Christmas Shopping List

Christmas Shopping List:

This year, I'm doing all my Christmas shopping at Cafe Press. Here's some of my shopping list. I might think of a few more when the bourbon kicks in...

Scuttle Claus

Fritz Eckardt
Paul McCain
David Scaer
Latif Gaba
Jerry Kieschnick
Cameron MacKenzie
Larry Beane
Dave Benke
Herman Otten
John Fenton
Dave Juhl
John Pless
Wally Schultz
Bill Weinrich
BBC
Walter Obare
Shane Cota

The Fort Wayne Blues

For all of the bluster about being so "high church," Kramer Chapel at the Fort Wayne Seminary looks more like an aircraft hangar. Now, don't get me wrong - the addition of the icons helps, but some of those vestments that look like they walked off the set of The Jetsons have really got to go.

When Epiphany rolls around, I expect to see William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy saying Mass. If they're gonna keep using those things, they need to have Barry Marquart cut some crop circles in the lawn. I half expect the New and Improved Art Just Matins Service(tm) to open:

V: The Lord be with you
R: Live long and prosper

And I thought that kid Danny Reuning's stuff was "low church"! Mercy!

And those Lenten vestments and paraments look like they were jacked from a Woodstock museum (and I doubt that LSD will make the LSB any better...). The last time I saw people wearing duds like that, they were protesting Vietnam and peeing in their own pants on my front lawn. I don't understand why these kids do drugs - when a fifth of Jack would do the trick just fine, thank you very much.

But for the time being, Kramer Chapel is as blue as Elvis' suede shoes. If the Papists decided we'd use lime green with polka dots for Advent, Art Just would be lapping at the pope's shoes, whimpering like Michael Richards at the Image Awards.

Anyway, word on the street is that the Fort has introduced yet another church calendar. There's the One Year, the Three Year, and the Fort Year (also known as the Right Way, the Wrong Way, and the Army Way, respectively). In the spirit of Vatican II (which, for you seminarians, is not the name of the latest strip joint to open up in Mad Anthony's Town), The Art has created a couple days in liturgical no-man's land. According to the Most Important Man in the Missouri Synod, Advent begins not with the Sunday after St. Andrew's, but on St. Andy's itself!

So, let me see. I want to say daily prayer to myself and some of the fuds here at the home. Okay, St. Andrew is November 30. So, according to Art, that's when Advent starts. So what readings were I supposed to use this year on Friday and Saturday (December 1 and 2)? They aren't the first week of Advent. Friday and Saturday of Advent 1 would be, let's see here, Dec. 8 and 9. Hmmm. Maybe the sign at Kramer (which is not named for Michael Richards) oughtta read Advent 0.

Maybe that's the Festivus for the rest of us?

Score: 4-3-1

Just got my latest expensive glossy from our money-strapped synod's LCMS World Relief. Big surprise, Matt Harrison is all over the place. Yawn. In fact, Matt has put the smackdown on Jerruh in this issue, appearing three times to only one for the Pope of the Trailer Park. Matt is the covergirl this issue, along with two incognito pastors (one being a DiP) who must be ashamed of Jesus or something (at least I gotta give Matt credit for not being too much a "company man" to shun the clerical duds). There is also a layman from Laborers for Christ who looks like a layman. At least he's not ashamed to look like what he is - unlike most of our Council of Politicians.

Matt is also pictured on page 4 taking a page out of Madonna's book, getting a picture of himself surrounded by Africans. Word is still out on whether or not Matt will be adopting one of them. If the Synod can afford sending Matt and his entourage to Africa, why are they sending me beg letters? I guess we know why they're poor. Something tells me Matt didn't stow away on a steamer for $25 (and bring your own oranges to avoid skurvy). And ditto for Jerry's trips all over hell's half acre. He ain't staying at the Red Roof Inn, that's for sure. I guess there's all kind of dough for the bureaus to piss away when you cut off all funds to the seminaries. Great gig, huh?

David "It's Okay to Pray with Heathens" Benke is shown on page 10 in a group shot that includes the mayor of New York. He's not quite in the position of fartcatcher to hizzoner in this photo-op - but give him time. I have faith in his ability to slither just about anywhere.

Jerry is relegated to page 13 with the famous photo of him presenting the Bishop of Kenya with a bovine friend. And no, I'm not referring to the gal in the picture. Boy, Jerry's "milking" this one for all it's worth. At this point, this shot may be as common as the one of Britney Spears showing off "the empresses's new bloomers." At least Jerry hasn't gotten to the point of nudity to keep his mug in the news - but who know's what's next? I'm never surprised. But I'll tell you right now, if Jerry whips it out for the paparazzi (and I don't mean the Bishop of Rome), I'm joining Fenton in the Eastern Orthodox Church - which might be worth it just to watch Paul McCain do the pee-pee dance again.

So the Matt to Jerry ratio of this issue is an impressive 3:1 - with Matt on the cover, and Jerry buried on page 13.

But there's a surprising development in this issue, a dark horse coming around the bend to upset both of our "usual suspects". "Doctor" Robert Roegner, recently elevated to the LCMS World Mission Executive Directorate (no word on whether this includes a red hat), gets a home run this issue, appearing four times, beating Matt out of his hat trick and customary first place in the exposure department (though still trailing Britney in this category, thank God!). Yes, indeed, Roegner's spread (and does he ever) includes pages 6 and 7 (though surprisingly, not the same pic).

We should have seen this coming, given that "Doctor" Roegner was given his honorary "doctor of laws" (yeah, right!) recently. The fact that his "doctorate" is fake is nowhere mentioned, though he is referred to as "Dr." at least seven times. The powers-that-be must have great things in store for the Roegster to annoint him with a phony degree and a promotion. Hmmm, do you think he supports Ablaze!(tm)? Why, I couldn't render a guess!

I would give "Doctor" Roegner some fashion advice based on his layout: avoid stripes, big guy. You look like you're wearing hand-me downs from P.T. Barnum's Three-Ring. And another thing, don't wear gray suits. Gray makes you look like one of Hannibal's cavalry critters (if not the Goodyear blimp).

One would think a skinny non-white in less expensive duds would be a more logical choice to fill a "missionary position" of this nature. I would think a very fat white guy with an Alfalfa hair cut would frighten poor starving kids from primitive cultures. After all, the guy might have become that "full figured" by eating children in the mission field. They say third world kids taste like chicken. At least that's what the missiologists say after a few Jaegers...

But keep your eye on this Roegner fella. It's hard to miss him. He has all the qualifications for becoming the Pope of Misery one day: he shuns clericals, he yammers on about heresies like Ablaze!(tm), he has a fake doctorate from one of our Concordia Trade Schools, and he's capable of eating the competition for lunch - although word on the street in St. Louis is that the Intergalactic Center now has the cannibalism issue relatively under control.

You read it here first. Now get back to your exegesis and don't even think of googling Britney Spears!