A great
post from this Albino kid
Latif Gaba. Gaba's like my cousin
Fred. Every time I read his blog, I have to grab a dictionary with one hand and a beer with the other. Between the two, I can usually figure out what he's saying. Gaba is brilliant, and makes even more sense after some suds.
Gaba's addressing the highly controversial subject of people writing blogs under assumed names. What? People do this? Who could have ever imagined it? Well, folks, as smart as I am, I used to believe it myself. For instance, that "
Priestman" fella, well, his name ain't really "Priestman." I also know that the Priestman is not a real fella. I know, I know... this is going to be a stunning revelation if you happen to come from a midwestern state that begins with "I." We'll talk more about how that quarter used to appear under your pillow after your kid sister knocked out your bicuspid. We'll work up to that. Meanwhile, I'll type slow.
The Priestman is a literary character. I know this because the last Lutheran I ever saw wearing a monocle ran a POW camp on TV. The Priestman isn't real. Yes, LutherMorons, I hate to break it to you, but some blogs are not actually real people, but literary characters.
While I'm doling out controversy, let me assure you that
Tom Sawyer and
Huck Finn were never real. They were literary characters. In fact, they were created by a man who called himself "
Mark Twain" - also not real. I'm not sure, but I think that
Dr. House (who I really like because he's more medicated than I am) is also a literary character.
I know this hurts, troops, but you need to accept it. I will allow you to cry for 30 seconds. Okay, done?
Archie Bunker is another one. I watched "
All In The Family" for six years before I realized it wasn't a documentary. I guess the old hearing aids drowned out the laugh track. Archie Bunker is a literary character. I like Archie, and I had to go on a three day bender when I learned he was the literary creation of a left-wing pinko named
Norman Lear. When the show used to be on, some of these left-wing wackos were actually protesting that Archie said the kinds of things you hear in a Legion hall and not at a Democratic party fundraiser. Why? Because the idiots didn't realize that their lefty pal Norman Lear created Archie out of thin air. They were too stupid to realize that he was a character. I guess they thought Norman Lear was making all those racial slurs through Archie.
Well, a helluva lot of Lutherans are equally idiotic. They don't seem to understand what the hell a fictional literary character created for the purpose of satire is. God forbid that a bunch of them should read an article on the internet that says God isn't real. The entire LCMS infrastructure will collapse. Hell, maybe that's why
Intergalactic Headquarters is broke?
Now, there is also another kind of "pseudonymous" (thank you Gaba) writing. It is where the author chooses to remain anonymous. He writes under a fake name, or doesn't give a name at all. A couple of examples I can think of are the Book of Hebrews and CTCR documents. There's also those cowards that signed the Declaration of Independence and kept it a secret.
Some people may do this to protect themselves from criticism - like those wussy Christians in China handing out Bibles without writing their names in the front. Why don't they stick to wokking me up some Szechuan chicken and leave religion to the experts in the
Gideons? That's a little different than a literary character. Like I said, fellas like the Priestman are literary characters. Of course, getting your average mouth-breathing midwestern Lutheran to see the subtle distinction is like asking a golden retriever to explain a Bach cantata to a dung beetle. Of course, I don't fault some in the LCMS from picking out fake names to write under - especially fellas like my grandkid at the seminary. Cripes, they'll toss you out for wearing a cassock these days - unless you're a gal - then you just have to limit your preaching to the auditorium.
Me, I think Latif Gaba is real. I think this is his real name. I don't think he is a literary character. And I do believe he is really an albino (even though that picture has been doctored to cover up the creepy pink eyes). I know his name is a little weird, but no more weird than half of the guys, say, in the NFL these days. And what's with the guys from Samoa? Do they pay these guys by the letter or what? Hell, they have to be linemen to be wide enough to get all the letters on without a hyphen and a new row.
Now, one fella I don't believe is real is this
Paul McCain. I think he's a literary character. There is no way this fella is for real. But he sure is funny. My guess is that he's the creation of a papist apologist.
As for me, I am all real. My name is on the clergy roster (made you look) and I am a real retired Army chaplain and I serve as a chaplain at an old folks home. My dad was a wacko congregationalist and wanted to name me "Walther." Fortunately, he was too stewed on the day of my baptism, and my mother (who didn't want me having the same name as her queer brother in law), decided to just give me the initials "C.F.W." instead. She was an Iowa Methodist (and every time that kid
Dave Scaer uses that line, he's giving a dig at me, the bastard), who converted to Lutheranism, and couldn't remember what "C.F.W." actually stood for. So, I got initials instead of a name. Damn good thing, too. I don't think even
Rick Stuckwisch has named one of his eighteen kids "Ferdinand."
Look. I'm old, and I don't give a damn what you think. If you don't like my blog, go read something else. There is nothing literary about me. I'm a real old fart. I am not a literary character. Why, how could anyone think such a thing?
And if you don't like that answer, I'll just quote my pal Archie and say: "You are a meat head - dead from the neck up."
