Cousin Fred and the REMFs

Glad to see my kid cousin Fred is back in the saddle.

Here is a new Fred Rant regarding the kind of military officer that, so to speak, has an "alligator mouth" and a "canary ass." Back in the day, we called these guys REMFs. And here is Freddo's explanation:


"That’s Rear-Echelon... It refers to paper-pushers who sit safely way behind the lines while men in the military fight."


We have this type of glorified retail clerks in the church as well, dabblers who sop up six-figure salaries, safely tucked away in suburbia, who never get a call in the middle of the night from a parishioner in distress. But they're ever eager to sling "bull shit" and hold forth about the pastoral office when in fact, all they know about it is what they've read in books or picked up surfing pastors' blogs.

The nice thing about being an old fart is that I'm just not impressed by all the smoke and mirrors. What I don't know is why all these kids in the LCMS ministry fall for this crap. All you have to do is offer one of these 30-year old pastors a Budweiser in a real glass, present him a Swisher Sweet, and he'll eat out of your hand and swear you're the Queen of Frigging Sheba.

Youth is wasted on the Utes, I guess.

Anyway, I think I'll look for a flight to Guad and join Freddy for a Padre Kino and a pack of Luckys. We got some catching up to do.

We're on the briny in Alaska right now, and I'm getting a little bored watching whales jump around. Besides, every time I see one of 'em blasting wind out of his blow hole I'm reminded of St. Louis, and I throw up in my mouth a little. I'm hoping they have an airport in Juneau. If not, I guess I can always call the old leatherneck on the phone and share a drink over the "blue tooth."

If you're reading, Freddy, get the spare room ready.

Investigation into Lutheran Publishing House

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

St. Louis, Mo. -- Amid shocking reports that a certain editor at a well-known Lutheran publishing house has been "gold bricking," CFWS Investigations has released the following hidden camera video.

Unnamed sources have been complaining for quite some time that one of the publishing house employees, "whose last name begins like a hamburger chain and ends with the same name as a biblical figure from the Book of Genesis," seems to spend so much time on the Internet that it has become difficult to figure out what this employee really does. CFWS fast food and biblical experts are currently decoding this clue, as employee database searches have not turned up anyone at the publisher by the names of "Wendy Abraham" or "Fuddrucker Peleg" - but the investigation is still ongoing.

The video is the result of CFWS Investigations contract with The Bobs, Inc. to interview various employees in order to determine how they spend their days at work.

The above disturbing and troubling footage shows a certain employee explaining his scandalous work routine. CFWS Investigations continues to research the allegations of "gold bricking" and hopes to have a completed report when our private dicks sober up.

CFWS Investigations

First Lutheran Study Bible...

...to be marketed by a woman's buttocks.

I suppose this is for contrast, as the ELCgAy is also "coming out" with their own gender-bender edition. One can only imagine what that ad campaign will look like. At least we know the marketing boys at CPH aren't homo.

And in this synod, you gotta count the small blessings.

CPH Officially Loses Mind

Troops, I just can't figure this commercial out. Are they selling the Book of Mormon or is it allergy pills? CPH has gone full lobotomy.

Maybe Jerry will put it on the auction block and put us out of our "Missouri." That'd be a win-win - this sappy-yappy marketing nonsense would end, and Jerry could take the loot and pay for his dry cleaning for another year.

Wait a minute, let me ask my Luther Bobblehead if that would be a good idea. Let me see here, "Luther Bobblehead, should Jerry sell off CPH?" I'll just tap "Luther" on the head and wait for a reply. Luther Bobblehead is wobbling his head all over - which either means he's made in China and saying "no," or he's made in India and saying "yes."

The LCMS is doomed.

Update on LCMS District Conventions

Just checking in from sea, somewhere between Seattle and Vancouver. Obviously, I'm not at any district convention pretending to be awake and sober, but from all the scuttlebutt on the Internets, it looks like the same old same old.

Of course, some of the Pollyanna synod types are just dying for some good news, you know, stuff like: "In the Cornfed District Northeast, we actually had a man leading devotions" or, "In West Pigslop, we passed a resolution affirming the Trinity." Gads.

Well, you young punks can pop the champagne corks if you want. Me, I'm gnawing off the cap from a Miller Low Life longneck with my bicuspids.

The only good news about these conventions is that I'm not there. But I honestly thought about you guys who were attending all those things when I had my last kidney stone attack and my friggin' wannabe comedian urologist started singing "Pass It On." And if that ain't an emetic, I don't know what is.

But unlike the LCMS, a week of antibiotics, a little piss in the blood, and a good three-day bender fixed me right up.

Meanwhile, I can't wait to get to 'Couver. I'm Jonesin' for some decent Chink food. And I gotta tell ya, Mandarin is a helluva lot easier than Hebrew.

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