Halloween for Seminarians

This guy might be one of those SiMPs, but at least he's not ashamed to look like a priest...

Seminarians, the greatest day of the year is coming. No, not Reformation Day you Zwinglians. I mean Halloween.

This is the one day in the whole damn year where you can dress like a proper churchman. You can actually put on a cassock, carry a Psalter, stroll around the seminary campus, walk into a bar, or go wherever the hell you want looking like a man studying for the holy office instead of like an extra from a Richard Simmons video or a used-car salesman trying to get elected District President.

Enjoy it. This is the only time you can wear a cassock on campus without Artie Just wetting himself, or Herman Otten running a broadside predicting CPH to name Mary as Co-Redemptrix and that David Scaer is a secret member of the Jesuits (like the cat hasn't been out of that bag for a while...). This is the only time when you will not be treated as an outcast, expelled from the seminary, and get the Judas treatment from the faculty (at least our Lord got a kiss first) - all for taking seminary life seriously.

And speaking of the faculty - guys and gals, here is your chance to actually wear a clerical collar instead of a polyester suit and shiny gawdawful reject-from-the-clothing-coop-neck tie with a nice safe secular sweater. And fellas, unless you're some kind of Eastern European with an accordion and pinky ring, shit-can the white socks. Okay? And if one of your lords and masters of the seminary (The Almighty Board of Regents) catches a shocking glimpse of a professor in black, you can simply remind him or her that it's Halloween, it's just a costume. Fat belly laughs all round. Har dee har.

Of course, on All Saints Day, churchmanship is over, back on your heads. Back in your polo shirts and khaki pants. Ditch the Psalms for the latest Church Growth crap, and forget about trying to look like a real churchman for another year.

Ironically, Halloween may be the one day a year a seminarian might want to be sober, and emerge from his escapist drunken stupor.

That's my girl...

My grandkid made Snopes with her thoughtful letter to a corporate drone. Bully for Clan Scuttlebutt!

For some reason, a lot of people think this is humor. But any fella who has ever been married to a broad for any period of time (pun intended, you idiots) knows this is no topic for jokes. And the last thing any of you nimrods want to "f" with is a "Scuttle dame" on hormones.

This is another reason to keep the broads out of the pulpits - though we already have enough so-called men on PMS in this synod to start our own soap opera. And you know who you are. Stay the hell away from me.

Meanwhile men, when the hormones hit the fan, it's time to hit the VFW.

Don't Screw with the Page 15 Crowd

Like the kids used to say, "sometimes you feel like a nut." Just remember to stay off this guy's lawn.

FAQ: ELCA vs. LCMS

For some reason, Lutherans are in the news a lot lately. Out here at sea, I don't pay attention to all the news, but I'm getting a lot of requests for interviews and statements asking for my "reaction" to the latest headlines concerning Lutheranism. Troops, I quit reading Herman a long time ago. But there seems to be a lot of confusion about the ELCA and the LCMS.

So, just in case any of my knucklehead readers don't know the difference, here are a few pointers.


On Creation...

The LCMS believes the world was created in six literal 24-hour days, and that the world is flat. The ELCA believes that the world was not created, but is actually a god - in addition to being a 7,000 mile wide literal terrestrial lesbian.


On the Bible...

The LCMS believes the Bible is the Word of God, and that the ESV Lutheran Study Bible is really, really the Word of God. The ELCA believes the Bible contains the Word of God, especially when it quotes the Koran.


On the Office of the Ministry...

The LCMS believes that the ministry is a mark of the church, except for when the DP authorizes laymen to play pretend. The ELCA believes the ministry is a mark of the church, except for when the bishops authorize laywomen to play pretend.


On Closed Communion...

The LCMS practices closed communion and believes that only those in doctrinal agreement should share communion - and even when open communion is practiced, it isn't called open communion. The ELCA believes that except in cases of pastoral discretion, only mammals are to take the Eucharist, though there is a large militant group advocating for full reptilian inclusion.


On The Church...

The LCMS believes it is the true visible church on earth(tm). The ELCA believes that Zen Buddhism is the true visible church on earth(tm).


On Ecumenical Agreements...

The LCMS is in full altar and pulpit fellowship with many Lutheran bodies around the world and one Pentecostal cult in the United States. The ELCA restricts its communion fellowship to only those bodies that believe in either zero, one, or many gods.


On Sexuality...

The LCMS believes in traditional marriage, except for when it allows pastors to have been divorced multiple times. The ELCA believes in restricting sex between consenting adults, goats, trees, and Japanese robots - so long as the relationship is committed and monogamous.


And since a picture is worth a thousand words,

here is a typical science fair contestant from an LCMS school, and


here is a typical ELCA pastor.

Now, get the FAQ off my lawn...