FAQ: ELCA vs. LCMS

For some reason, Lutherans are in the news a lot lately. Out here at sea, I don't pay attention to all the news, but I'm getting a lot of requests for interviews and statements asking for my "reaction" to the latest headlines concerning Lutheranism. Troops, I quit reading Herman a long time ago. But there seems to be a lot of confusion about the ELCA and the LCMS.

So, just in case any of my knucklehead readers don't know the difference, here are a few pointers.


On Creation...

The LCMS believes the world was created in six literal 24-hour days, and that the world is flat. The ELCA believes that the world was not created, but is actually a god - in addition to being a 7,000 mile wide literal terrestrial lesbian.


On the Bible...

The LCMS believes the Bible is the Word of God, and that the ESV Lutheran Study Bible is really, really the Word of God. The ELCA believes the Bible contains the Word of God, especially when it quotes the Koran.


On the Office of the Ministry...

The LCMS believes that the ministry is a mark of the church, except for when the DP authorizes laymen to play pretend. The ELCA believes the ministry is a mark of the church, except for when the bishops authorize laywomen to play pretend.


On Closed Communion...

The LCMS practices closed communion and believes that only those in doctrinal agreement should share communion - and even when open communion is practiced, it isn't called open communion. The ELCA believes that except in cases of pastoral discretion, only mammals are to take the Eucharist, though there is a large militant group advocating for full reptilian inclusion.


On The Church...

The LCMS believes it is the true visible church on earth(tm). The ELCA believes that Zen Buddhism is the true visible church on earth(tm).


On Ecumenical Agreements...

The LCMS is in full altar and pulpit fellowship with many Lutheran bodies around the world and one Pentecostal cult in the United States. The ELCA restricts its communion fellowship to only those bodies that believe in either zero, one, or many gods.


On Sexuality...

The LCMS believes in traditional marriage, except for when it allows pastors to have been divorced multiple times. The ELCA believes in restricting sex between consenting adults, goats, trees, and Japanese robots - so long as the relationship is committed and monogamous.


And since a picture is worth a thousand words,

here is a typical science fair contestant from an LCMS school, and


here is a typical ELCA pastor.

Now, get the FAQ off my lawn...