I'm not much for nick nacks, but...

troops, check out the spiffy ashtray my cousin Fred sent me. I have never flown Singapore Airlines (though I have put away a few slings), but I might have to start.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

Halloween for Seminarians

This guy might be one of those SiMPs, but at least he's not ashamed to look like a priest...

Seminarians, the greatest day of the year is coming. No, not Reformation Day you Zwinglians. I mean Halloween.

This is the one day in the whole damn year where you can dress like a proper churchman. You can actually put on a cassock, carry a Psalter, stroll around the seminary campus, walk into a bar, or go wherever the hell you want looking like a man studying for the holy office instead of like an extra from a Richard Simmons video or a used-car salesman trying to get elected District President.

Enjoy it. This is the only time you can wear a cassock on campus without Artie Just wetting himself, or Herman Otten running a broadside predicting CPH to name Mary as Co-Redemptrix and that David Scaer is a secret member of the Jesuits (like the cat hasn't been out of that bag for a while...). This is the only time when you will not be treated as an outcast, expelled from the seminary, and get the Judas treatment from the faculty (at least our Lord got a kiss first) - all for taking seminary life seriously.

And speaking of the faculty - guys and gals, here is your chance to actually wear a clerical collar instead of a polyester suit and shiny gawdawful reject-from-the-clothing-coop-neck tie with a nice safe secular sweater. And fellas, unless you're some kind of Eastern European with an accordion and pinky ring, shit-can the white socks. Okay? And if one of your lords and masters of the seminary (The Almighty Board of Regents) catches a shocking glimpse of a professor in black, you can simply remind him or her that it's Halloween, it's just a costume. Fat belly laughs all round. Har dee har.

Of course, on All Saints Day, churchmanship is over, back on your heads. Back in your polo shirts and khaki pants. Ditch the Psalms for the latest Church Growth crap, and forget about trying to look like a real churchman for another year.

Ironically, Halloween may be the one day a year a seminarian might want to be sober, and emerge from his escapist drunken stupor.

That's my girl...

My grandkid made Snopes with her thoughtful letter to a corporate drone. Bully for Clan Scuttlebutt!

For some reason, a lot of people think this is humor. But any fella who has ever been married to a broad for any period of time (pun intended, you idiots) knows this is no topic for jokes. And the last thing any of you nimrods want to "f" with is a "Scuttle dame" on hormones.

This is another reason to keep the broads out of the pulpits - though we already have enough so-called men on PMS in this synod to start our own soap opera. And you know who you are. Stay the hell away from me.

Meanwhile men, when the hormones hit the fan, it's time to hit the VFW.

Don't Screw with the Page 15 Crowd

Like the kids used to say, "sometimes you feel like a nut." Just remember to stay off this guy's lawn.

FAQ: ELCA vs. LCMS

For some reason, Lutherans are in the news a lot lately. Out here at sea, I don't pay attention to all the news, but I'm getting a lot of requests for interviews and statements asking for my "reaction" to the latest headlines concerning Lutheranism. Troops, I quit reading Herman a long time ago. But there seems to be a lot of confusion about the ELCA and the LCMS.

So, just in case any of my knucklehead readers don't know the difference, here are a few pointers.


On Creation...

The LCMS believes the world was created in six literal 24-hour days, and that the world is flat. The ELCA believes that the world was not created, but is actually a god - in addition to being a 7,000 mile wide literal terrestrial lesbian.


On the Bible...

The LCMS believes the Bible is the Word of God, and that the ESV Lutheran Study Bible is really, really the Word of God. The ELCA believes the Bible contains the Word of God, especially when it quotes the Koran.


On the Office of the Ministry...

The LCMS believes that the ministry is a mark of the church, except for when the DP authorizes laymen to play pretend. The ELCA believes the ministry is a mark of the church, except for when the bishops authorize laywomen to play pretend.


On Closed Communion...

The LCMS practices closed communion and believes that only those in doctrinal agreement should share communion - and even when open communion is practiced, it isn't called open communion. The ELCA believes that except in cases of pastoral discretion, only mammals are to take the Eucharist, though there is a large militant group advocating for full reptilian inclusion.


On The Church...

The LCMS believes it is the true visible church on earth(tm). The ELCA believes that Zen Buddhism is the true visible church on earth(tm).


On Ecumenical Agreements...

The LCMS is in full altar and pulpit fellowship with many Lutheran bodies around the world and one Pentecostal cult in the United States. The ELCA restricts its communion fellowship to only those bodies that believe in either zero, one, or many gods.


On Sexuality...

The LCMS believes in traditional marriage, except for when it allows pastors to have been divorced multiple times. The ELCA believes in restricting sex between consenting adults, goats, trees, and Japanese robots - so long as the relationship is committed and monogamous.


And since a picture is worth a thousand words,

here is a typical science fair contestant from an LCMS school, and


here is a typical ELCA pastor.

Now, get the FAQ off my lawn...

New SiMP Hom Curriculum

One of my spies sent me the new Homiletics curriculum to be used in the "Special" Ministry Program (SiMP) - which replaces classrooms with videos. I gotta say, given a lot of the LCMS preaching I've seen over the past few years, this ain't so bad by comparison.

Maybe I've been a little too harsh on the SiMP.

Cousin Fred and the REMFs

Glad to see my kid cousin Fred is back in the saddle.

Here is a new Fred Rant regarding the kind of military officer that, so to speak, has an "alligator mouth" and a "canary ass." Back in the day, we called these guys REMFs. And here is Freddo's explanation:


"That’s Rear-Echelon... It refers to paper-pushers who sit safely way behind the lines while men in the military fight."


We have this type of glorified retail clerks in the church as well, dabblers who sop up six-figure salaries, safely tucked away in suburbia, who never get a call in the middle of the night from a parishioner in distress. But they're ever eager to sling "bull shit" and hold forth about the pastoral office when in fact, all they know about it is what they've read in books or picked up surfing pastors' blogs.

The nice thing about being an old fart is that I'm just not impressed by all the smoke and mirrors. What I don't know is why all these kids in the LCMS ministry fall for this crap. All you have to do is offer one of these 30-year old pastors a Budweiser in a real glass, present him a Swisher Sweet, and he'll eat out of your hand and swear you're the Queen of Frigging Sheba.

Youth is wasted on the Utes, I guess.

Anyway, I think I'll look for a flight to Guad and join Freddy for a Padre Kino and a pack of Luckys. We got some catching up to do.

We're on the briny in Alaska right now, and I'm getting a little bored watching whales jump around. Besides, every time I see one of 'em blasting wind out of his blow hole I'm reminded of St. Louis, and I throw up in my mouth a little. I'm hoping they have an airport in Juneau. If not, I guess I can always call the old leatherneck on the phone and share a drink over the "blue tooth."

If you're reading, Freddy, get the spare room ready.

Investigation into Lutheran Publishing House

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

St. Louis, Mo. -- Amid shocking reports that a certain editor at a well-known Lutheran publishing house has been "gold bricking," CFWS Investigations has released the following hidden camera video.

Unnamed sources have been complaining for quite some time that one of the publishing house employees, "whose last name begins like a hamburger chain and ends with the same name as a biblical figure from the Book of Genesis," seems to spend so much time on the Internet that it has become difficult to figure out what this employee really does. CFWS fast food and biblical experts are currently decoding this clue, as employee database searches have not turned up anyone at the publisher by the names of "Wendy Abraham" or "Fuddrucker Peleg" - but the investigation is still ongoing.

The video is the result of CFWS Investigations contract with The Bobs, Inc. to interview various employees in order to determine how they spend their days at work.

The above disturbing and troubling footage shows a certain employee explaining his scandalous work routine. CFWS Investigations continues to research the allegations of "gold bricking" and hopes to have a completed report when our private dicks sober up.

CFWS Investigations

First Lutheran Study Bible...

...to be marketed by a woman's buttocks.

I suppose this is for contrast, as the ELCgAy is also "coming out" with their own gender-bender edition. One can only imagine what that ad campaign will look like. At least we know the marketing boys at CPH aren't homo.

And in this synod, you gotta count the small blessings.

CPH Officially Loses Mind

Troops, I just can't figure this commercial out. Are they selling the Book of Mormon or is it allergy pills? CPH has gone full lobotomy.

Maybe Jerry will put it on the auction block and put us out of our "Missouri." That'd be a win-win - this sappy-yappy marketing nonsense would end, and Jerry could take the loot and pay for his dry cleaning for another year.

Wait a minute, let me ask my Luther Bobblehead if that would be a good idea. Let me see here, "Luther Bobblehead, should Jerry sell off CPH?" I'll just tap "Luther" on the head and wait for a reply. Luther Bobblehead is wobbling his head all over - which either means he's made in China and saying "no," or he's made in India and saying "yes."

The LCMS is doomed.

Update on LCMS District Conventions

Just checking in from sea, somewhere between Seattle and Vancouver. Obviously, I'm not at any district convention pretending to be awake and sober, but from all the scuttlebutt on the Internets, it looks like the same old same old.

Of course, some of the Pollyanna synod types are just dying for some good news, you know, stuff like: "In the Cornfed District Northeast, we actually had a man leading devotions" or, "In West Pigslop, we passed a resolution affirming the Trinity." Gads.

Well, you young punks can pop the champagne corks if you want. Me, I'm gnawing off the cap from a Miller Low Life longneck with my bicuspids.

The only good news about these conventions is that I'm not there. But I honestly thought about you guys who were attending all those things when I had my last kidney stone attack and my friggin' wannabe comedian urologist started singing "Pass It On." And if that ain't an emetic, I don't know what is.

But unlike the LCMS, a week of antibiotics, a little piss in the blood, and a good three-day bender fixed me right up.

Meanwhile, I can't wait to get to 'Couver. I'm Jonesin' for some decent Chink food. And I gotta tell ya, Mandarin is a helluva lot easier than Hebrew.

A Word from our Sponsor

Pound-A-Punk Day

Nothing I love more than a punk getting punked - especially by folks my age. And this reporter gets it right.

Here are some of my favorite lines from the article with my own commentary in dago type:



"It turned out to be Pound-A-Punk day Wednesday"

It is always the perfect day to "pound a punk." Having sixteen pound balls at the ready helps.


"The women, along with other bowlers from the senior league, blocked the 16-year-old's escape through an exit on the building's west side. When he ran toward the glass doors at the building's front, league members were in hot and loud pursuit."

Just how I like my broads: hot and loud. Man, I would love to have seen this punk go down. I'll bet my 7-10 split there were a few veterans of the Big One in on that magnificent operation.

"Several of the senior bowlers dog-piled the teen and held him until police arrived."

Dog piled! Can you picture this? Friggin dog piled! Troops, you can't make this you-know-what up.

"Johnson said the youth told police he steeled his nerves for the caper by drinking a beer and some Robitussin cough medicine a few minutes beforehand."

Dumb assed kids today can't even figure out how to get "liquid courage." Cough medicine! Western civilization is doomed.

"Krawitz, who bowls in the V.I.P. Summer Trio league, said he believes the youth's big mistake came when he selected his victims. 'The lesson is clear,' he said. 'Bowlers rule. Never fool with a bowler.'"

That is damned good advice. You do not want to screw with a bowler - especially an old one. Bowling is the only sport where you can be fat like a pig, smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, curse like a sailor, and dress like a district president - and still be considered an "athlete." But never underestimate what a bunch of pickled seniors with funny shoes can do to a teen aged purse thief. Now you know.

Way to pick up the spare, boys and girls. Let's hope more of these incidents happen in the future. I love a happy ending. I guess I'm getting sentimental in my dotage.

Dare to be Cwirlied!(tm)

New Cartoon from CPH

This just in from the grandkids. CPH has put out a new BVD, the initial offering from the Heroes of the Missouri Synod(tm) series: "The Paul McCain Story." Here is the trailer.

I gotta admit, troops, the tune's catchy, and I think they managed to capture McLame perfectly. And making him a dinosaur works on so many levels - especially after a few Seven-and-Sevens.

You know, every now and then, Communist Publish-It House gets it right. Word on the street is that Part Two is going to be "Matt's Big Quest for the Purple Palace."

BRTFSSGWTF?

The lastest synodical shenanigans.

I think the solution to "synodical restructuring" is easy. Here is the Scuttlebutt Plan, Phase One:

1) Make all synodicrats part-time with no pay, no junkets, no photo-ops, and no wives on the pay roll.
2) Sell off the Intergalactic Center.
3) Disband the CCM (and get rid of CCM in all LCMS worship), the CTCR, PLI, and all the other CRAP.
4) Have Concordia Plan pay for testicle reattachment for all seminary professors.
5) Leave the Blue Ribbons to the 4H.

Just the amount of money the synod would save by not paying McLame for all the time he plays on MyFace and Titter would make CPH financially solvent.

McLame's Secret Blog

Well, well, troops. It looks to me like Richard McLame is running a blog under a pseudonym!

And he's using a broad's name to do it. Crap, this thing is basically SlobberBrethren(tm) with slightly less venom. The stuff about the papists is what gave it away for me.

Whatever CPH is paying this knob, it's too much.

Who are they?

Click picture to enlarge

Troops, I've been a little slack in keeping up with synodical politics. Is this group the:

Council of Presidents
Board of Directors
Commission on Constitutional Matters
Board for Communications Services
Board for Higher Education
Board for Pastoral Education
Commission on Worship "100 Song Study"
Friends of Paul McCain (the smart ones)
The line-up of speakers at the next Walther Conference
Daystar
Jerry Kieschnick's personal staff
The incoming SMP class ?

Electile Dysfunction

An unidentified District President enjoying an election

Cally wrote: "This will come in handy this year for all of the upcoming district conventions. (General, I know you're saddened that you'll miss that while out to sea.)"

Boo hoo. Ha!

Troops, I have a "doctor's excuse." Church conventions are like erections - if they last more than four hours, see your doctor, or else you could go blind. I know guys who were so desperate that they were drinking the fuel from the Sterno cans in the banquet rooms just to kill the pain.

Me, I'm always prepared - which is what I learned in the Scouts. And if they had a merit badge for finding ways to smuggle in hooch, I'd a had that one.

So no, I will not be at this or any convention. And you young fellas that have to go, you need to drink. If you're smart, you will being your own in a hip flask, thermos, or (Lord, have mercy) one of those homo Starbuck cups. Be prepared, troops, or else you may have to resort to busting into the hotel maintenance closet and downing paint thinner. And there is one silver lining in having the broads on the convention floor - you can always find a bottle of nail polish remover to "huff." Some of the hippies were doing that back in the Seminex days.

Be innocent as serpents and wise as doves, however that goes. And remember, Vodka looks like water.

Richard McCain?

I'm confused, troops. The election had me in a tizzy, because everyone was talking about voting for "McCain" for president. I thought: "Has the entire synod lost its friggin' mind?" But then someone said I was confusing "John" McCain with "Paul" McCain.

But just when I think I got them straight, now I'm hearing about this "Richard" McCain. Who the hell is this?

Is this John, Paul, or a third guy? I mean, I have gotten a barrage of mail from people referring to "that Dick McCain."

Well, anyway, someone sent me the above picture of this "Richard" McCain and the new tattoo on his head. At least the kid is wearing a tie, making it clear that he is not a pastor. Now if I can just figure out what the guy's real name is. And what is with that little white flag behind his chair? Is that for surrender, or is it some kind of new CPH piece of crap made in China to make Lutherans look retarded?

But anyway, I digest. I got bigger fish to fly and all that. But I do think McLame is going to regret the tattoo some day. I like mine just fine, but I think these kids that ink up their heads and necks are crazy. But I guess that's how a fella gets a job at CPH these days.

Lima (Peru, not Wisconsin)

Ah, a few days R&R in Lima.

Look at this church, troops. Unfortunately, I'll only be a spectator at this Mass. Most of the "Lutheran" churches here are run by broads. And yes, I know, all you Gottesdienst types out there: this cathedral loses a point for the "card table" altar, but it does pick the point back up for having the tabernacle. And am I going senile, or was this altar on the cover a few months back?

Wait a minute? What is that? No. It can't be? How the hell did Otten get a stack of Christian News in the narthex?

Men, I need a belt, and it ain't because my dungarees are falling down.

McLame at it again...

You know, troops, I don't like to beat up on McLame. It's kind of like smacking around your little sister. Of course, my little sister joined the WACs and used to beat me at arm wrestling. But you know what I mean.

But one of you knuckleheads sent me to Weedon's Blog where McCain is getting all McCainy on Father Hollyweird accusing him of being me.

I mean, really.

I'm on a cruise ship. Beano blogged about how he took his wife to Applebee's or something for their anniversary. Hollywood is a cheap bastard, and I know I will never run into him on this rig.

But I find it funny that McLame is out there on a "fishing expedition" making all sorts of half-assed accusations about internet anonymoty.

I mean, this is the same guy whose name was not among the 7,000 who stuck their necks out and signed the petition to bring back Issues, Etc. This is a guy with a big mouth, who could have actually helped the cause. But all this guy could come up with in the aftermath, when the entire Lutheran world was ready to nail 95 Bureaucrats to the Church Door, was this mealy-mouthed post that said nothing about the Holy Tuesday Treachery (while conveniently disabling comments). And I thought you had to become a DP to qualify for the spine-removal rite.

When it came to taking a stand for those fellas Shortz and Willikin, McLame was the definition of "anonymous." In fact, he shoulda changed the name of his blog to "SilentBrethren." My parrot had more to say than McCain, and was pretty colorful about it too. But of course, my parrot tends to repeat me.

Like I said, I don't much care what cubicle ministers have to say. I've been around long enough to know the 'crat mentality. Bean doesn't seem to give a crap either (well, that's one thing he's right about anyway). McLame's attitude would change if he got in the trenches. But hey, somebody has to keep an eye on how many Ablaze!(tm) coffee cups Discordia Puberty House is selling. And I think Polly is the right gal for the job.

I thought about posting a comment over there saying: "I am Spartacus" and asking Mickey to get a brain scan. Maybe someone needs to send him into a round room and tell him to pee in the corner. And Swirly is even whining about me. He thinks I rejected him or something, and is pouting about it. Crap, truth be told, I'm just slow on the e-mail. But what is this kid anyway, a teen aged girl?

These fellas are starting to give me the willies. But I'm "feeling good" right now thanks to my buddy Jack, and can't really think of anything witty to say over at Willy Weedon's gig. You guys feel free. E-mail me with any funny comments you might post over there, and I'll give you a medal or something.

Now, do you ladies see why I'm happier at sea?

Life is good...

Well, troops, I know I'm not posting too much these days. Life is too good. This floating "nursing home" is just the thing, and I have to admit, I'm finding it hard to give a flying shi'ite about the LCMS when I'm taking day trips to the Galapagos and watching the sun set with a cool breeze and a cooler beverage.

But then again, the iguanas here are ugly and and have been used to try to sell the theory of evolution - much like the ape-like antics of the LCMS 'crat class. At least the iguanas here only eat vegetation and not one another - unlike the dinosaurs in the Pusilanimous Palace(tm). So I am being reminded of our B.S. (that's "beloved synod" for you knuckleheads).

But I did get a lot of requests to "come on board" and I did enjoy getting fan-mail. Shit, everyone thinks I'm funny, but I gotta tell ya, I about choked on my "George and Jack" just reading the inbox. There are a "few good men" left in the outhouse that has become Missouri.

Oh, and sorry about saying the word "shit" - I know there are ladies present. But given that this is a private club and all, I figure we can loosen our collars and/or ties a bit. Besides, "shit" is in the old King James Bible. Or is it "piss." One of 'em anyway. I'm too comfortable to hoof for my concordance, and my waiter is already off fetching me a frozen margie. And before I get any crap about that, the doc says I need them to keep my sodium count good and high, so back off on the queer jokes. Besides, the secret to a good margarita is like the secret to a good Mass: plenty of "spike" as my friends, the last straight Anglican priests, like to say.

But enough about me, let's hear what you all have to say about me. Here's a sample of some of your comments...

• I love how your blog satirizes all of the political/bureaucratic baloney and "church growth" b.s. in the LCMS. Keep it up!

• Get your rear in gear and quit your moping about. Next thing you know, you'll be demanding that Concordia Health Plan increase your benefits for scotch, cigs, and pills. Guess all us 30-somethings will be signed up for Plan P (as in Piss off!) to pay for your "cruise." Better tell "Vicar Billy" to plan for indentured servitude: either that or enroll in SMP before it's too late. Now do your duty and sound off like you still have a pair! Winsomely yours and blessings,

• Fred just went "Tango Uniform." Now you to? How am I too keep my sanity? Whoever you really are, I enjoy the blog. I love the irreverent humor and non-political correctness. I am considering becoming a teacher in the LCMess and your blog gives me incite regarding how the pencil pushers and 'crats make things work. I need this stuff to know how to piss them off and get their undies in a bundle when I take the helm. Consider the blog as your way to train this irreverent, ornery, Lutheran Convert young man for your post-humerous revendge against the ministerium of the LCMS. At any rate, thanks for all of your posts. I am no doubt a different person for having read them. Seriously. You tought me that Lutherans don't have to be nice. Growing up in evangelicalism and Calvinism, I was tought always to be nice, never to judge- only to pray that Jesus would make the other person see the light. You have corrupted my young mind and sickened my sense of humor. This is a God thing ("sin boldly.")

• Sir, it would be a shame to let your blog go "Tango Uniform". As a retired military man and "old school" LCMSer myself, I get a refreshing boost of humor when reading your blog. If your current health issues preclude this, then I thank you for your service, ask you to check-in to your nearest VA cemetary, and let your grandson take over the blog.

• Please do not stop posting. I really enjoy your website. So few people in the LCMS are willing to tell the truth, and so many confessionals want to be virtuous lots more than they want to succeed (or is that secede?) in the Synod. Many thanks for all you have written so far, and I would like to encourage you to continue with your work. With this Obamanation thing happening to all of us for the next four-eight years, I'm going to need some laughs.

• I'm not exactly sure how I found your blog site. But may I say that I have never laughed so hard since eighth grade music class sitting next to the two class clowns. I used to come out of that last hour with an aching gut, just like when I'm reading your site. I'm also an LCMS guy whose been in the shooting wars. Really, your stuff is quite good! And I've passed your link and URL on to others.

• I don't mean any disrespect, but leave is over. Get back to work soldier...uh...Genreal, sir.

• General: This old squid enjoys your blog and I hope you keep it going. And don't get rid of your 74 Matador or give it to any Vicars. I had a 79 AMC Spirit for 10 years - and sorry I got rid of it.

• Ok Vicar Billy. Where did you put the General Scuttlebutt blog? Can’t say that I always understood what the old man was saying, but he sure did say it in an entertaining way.
  

• by all means pops, keep the blog rolling! it is a great chance to light up a cigar, drink some gin, and soil myself from laughing sohard. i'm depends-ing on you!

• You won £750,000. Please acknowledge the receipt of this mail with the details below toMr.Micchael Williams

[Now that's more like it troops - CFWS]

• Please don't stop. I am house bound and the best blogs are my life line. Yours is at the top of the list.

• I meet the requirements, I'm not any of these; synodocrats, wieners, whiners, pietists, or other pond scum. (although hot dogs are my favorite food...your call)I'm just a new Lutheran who finds you and my Pastor seem to have the same sense of humor.But I'm not doing push-ups...old fat guys are better at beer and cigarettes.

• Please add me to your list! I am certainly none of these (synodocrats, wieners, whiners, pietists, or other pond scum). I miss reading your stuff while sipping on bourbon. Thanks to you I have learned not to spit it out on my screen while laughing.
• Please do continue your commentaries. Lutherquest can be hard enough to read without thinking about the good Vicar huffing Toluene while doing so. I would be honored to be included should you decide to dole out access.
• I enjoyed your honest and crass approach to the "happenings" (read: heterodoxy and bull-crap) in our sinking ship Missouri.
• Hey, you old coot! Is all the shrapnel in your padded posterior from those exploding beer cans causing you to get feeble in you old age?

Damn, you people sure are rough on the elderly. Cripes, who the hell am I going to invite when I turn the big One Zero Zero? And just because I've been around a while, don't assume I'm using Depends, Viagra, or the Concordia Pulpit Resources. I may be old, but I'm not feeble. I can still kick your ass, and would, if the bar would stop spinning.

And at least we can still smoke in international waters. You "high church" types would love how I pack my thurible with crushed up Cohibas. I know Jesus smokes Cubans, because so many of them are named after Him. But that's another rant for another day.

A View with a Room

Well, troops, I thought I was going to be able to retire like my cousin Fred, but it looks like that ain't going to happen. That mouth breathing grandkid of mine had to give out my e-mail address, and so it looks like I'm going to keep blogging.

Don't you ding-dongs have anything better to do than read my drunken ramblings?

But no more news from the Blessed Reformer. Damnedest thing. The district revoked my call, claiming that they couldn't pay for a chaplain and a cathouse full of useless bureaucrats at the same time. So given the choice between preaching and pencil pushing, they opted for the latter.

They changed the locks of our digs at BR, and out we went. I was just on my way to hurt someone, but Blanche was laughing. I shot her a WTF look, and the old broad whipped out a power ball ticket with all the right numbers. Next thing you know, ol Jed's a millionaire. You know, that'll change your whole damned perspective.

So, we bought us a cabin on this ship, and never looked back. Of course, the DiP has already started sending me beg letters now that I'm loaded - in more ways than one. I sent him a sketch of an anatomically correct middle finger I drew on a cocktail napkin. I guess I won't be getting the usual form letter on my birthday from the dick-strick office. Boo hoo.

Meanwhile, this is living, troops.

And, as a bonus, I've returned to chaplaincy. They had an Episcopalian broad that had chapel services on the boat - until I showed up, that is. I had her crying within thirty minutes, out the door in forty-five, and resigning and off the boat in two weeks. Have I still got it, or what? I got rid of her even faster than I sent the "diversity trainer" at the retirement home packing. I was a hero at the Blessed Ref after that (which explains why I never had to pay for Chink food thereafter), and I still have the guy's pony tail hanging on the wall as a trophy.

But anyway, here on the ship, I'm the sheriff in town. The cow even left behind some damn fine vestments, which I promptly had taken in to fit me (have you ever seen an Episcopalian priestess that went for less than 300 pounds?). So, I'm a sort-of worker priest, I guess. I don't have a call through the LCMess, and so the synod can bite me. But I do all the usual clergy stuff - say Mass, hear confessions, drink, and bitch about the state of the church and world - only I get to do it in style. I'm still looking to get a Judo club started, but these things just take time.

We're now near the Panama Canal, and headed to Ecuador. My Spanish is rusty, but I have plenty of time to practice in between suffering for the sake of the gospel over margaritas.

Anyway, I did hear about the dustup over the Issues, Etc. trademark. I admit, it's a little hard to give a flying eff you see you know what about the deal from out here, but I'm glad that kid Todd Wickers stuck to his guns. He asked me to do the show with him some time, but I told him it's against my religion to be sober while on the radio, and they don't have a ten second delay.

But don't get me wrong, men, I do feel sorry for you poor bastards who are still stuck in the Synod. I guess technically I still am, but no-one is going to screw with me at sea. Of course, you seminarians and other youngsters need to keep firmly in mind that when dealing with your DiP, do not bend over for soap. Anyhoo, I will comment from time to time, and if any of my retarded readers have anything of interest, send it to me at generalscuttlebutt@gmail.com. I don't want to spend too much time at the computer - after all, it is Lent. The shrimp bar is calling my name (good thing crustaceans don't count for meat). But I would be lying if I said I'm not enjoying my new altar and pulpit. And for you closed communion types, don't worry. I only commune my fellow miserable LCMess types. And they're easy to pick out - they're the ones in the congregation who don't cross themselves, that us, until I "drop" them for twenty and make them read Gottesdienst. They'll learn.

Buenos nachos, and AMF!

In critical health, or just at sea?

A couple that looks suspiciously like Blanche and C.F.W. Scuttlebutt

Hi Folks. Billy here. Remember me? The General is my great-grandpa, and I'm now serving my vicarage in the LCMS (Gramps thinks I'm nuts. He says I should "get a real job").

Anyway, I got a call about two weeks ago from Grandpa, and he said he was "in critical health." Grandma too. He gave me the password for his blog, and told me to run it for him. He said he was "ready to ship off." He asked me to thank all the readers of General Scuttlebutt, and told me to tell Past Elder he could have his service revolver and the special VIP phone number for Guiseppe's Pizza when he finally goes "tango uniform" - whatever that means.

But while I was on the phone, Gramps sounded pretty sauced, and I heard a bunch of people laughing in the background, and what sounded like my great-grandma cursing out someone in French over a shuffleboard game. Now, I know they don't have that at Blessed Ref.

Something is fishy.

I was able to get a little time off and get a bus ticket over to Blessed Reformer. The bad news is that it seems Grandpa and Grandma are really gone. The good news is that they're not dead, not in a nursing home, not in a hospital - they've run off to a cruise ship. Ready to "ship off" - yeah, right!

I'm trying to run them down, but not having much luck. Now, I did get ahold of my great-grandfather through his e-mail address: generalscuttlebutt@gmail.com. He is getting his e-mail, but he is still trying to convince me that he's on his deathbed. Personally, I think he's spending all my inheritance money - which is fine by me. I just hope he doesn't get me kicked out of seminary. I told him to back off on Aulpay CainMcay and Atthewhay Arrisonhay - at least until I get a call. I hear through the grapevine that Erryjay Ieschnickjay actually thinks Gramps is funny and digs the blog. Gramps just muttered something about 7-Up and a place where the sun doesn't shine.

Maybe he is starting to lose it a little bit.

Anyway, I told him to run his own blog from his new digs - wherever that may be. I told him I would post his e-mail address and let people e-mail him directly to try to get him to keep the blog going. So, that's what I suggest you do. I don't buy all that deathbed stuff, and I'm too busy to post all of his comments and run his blog for him, so there you have it. I'm just not going to do it.

So if you want Grandpa to keep things going, shoot him an e-mail and say so. Maybe he'll decide to keep things "afloat" - otherwise, we'll all just pretend he's dead, and Gramps will try to pull a fast one on the IRS.

Remember, that's generalscuttlebutt@gmail.com. See if you can get him to keep it going. Look, I like reading General Scuttlebutt as much as the next guy. Frankly, it's about all I can afford to do for entertainment on a vicar's salary.

Vicar Billy Scuttlebutt

Good pro-war flick

Someone gave me a copy of a new movie called "Taps." I really resisted watching it, since I figured it was a girly dance flick, and I never did enjoy that kind of thing - especially ever since I got tricked into watching "You Got Served" thinking it had to do with law enforcement. I should have made the connection with the bugle call ("Taps," get it?) and all that, but hell, I'm an old man. Cut me a break!

But, I went ahead and watched it, and boy was I pleasantly surprised. This movie is about a bunch of red-blooded patriotic kids under the command of a war hero (played by George C. Scott), who gets killed after moronic civilians (is there any other kind?) try to close down the Bunker Hill Military Academy.

Anyway, this kid Tom Hutton plays the ranking student who then takes command.

Tim Cruise plays the real hero of the flick in my book. He's the commander of the "red berets" and goes out in a blaze of glory behind a machine gun. It put a lump in my throat, I'll tell ya. Frankly, he should have been promoted to cadet major. I think there would have been a lot more bloodshed - which would have translated well to the big screen in my opinion. Sean Pen is also one of the officers, though I was stunned to hear that he is currently playing a homo in a newer movie. I guess he went to the "dark side" after he split up with Madronna - but I can't keep up with all the tabloids. Next thing you know, they'll be making a queer cowboy flick, and then we'll know the end is coming soon. If Eastwood turns out to be a fruit, no man is safe. That would not "make my day" if you "catch my drift."

Surprisingly, the movie has a strong pro-military, pro-war moral. And George C. Scott stole the show, especially with this line (which reminds me of every single time I see one of these district or synod bozos in their Ablaze!(tm) golf shirts:


"I know men younger than myself who take their pensions and put on stupid little white shirts with cut off sleeves, alligator on the teat, and spend the rest of their days beating the hell out of a little white ball with an iron club. My God, the thought of it makes me want to puke."

I don't want to spoil the ending, but after some cowardly little pukes run away and desert to the enemy, Hutton and Cruise die at the hands of a bunch of damned professional "weekend warriors" who bust into the campus with tanks and helicopters - all so they can shoot a bunch of honorable teen aged kids defending their school. Typical. But when it comes to the Bunker Hill boys, what dedication to the mission! I know some of them died, but that's what they signed up for. Nothing I like more in a flick than a happy ending!

A few year end questions

The end of the year always gets me wondering about things. So light up a smoke and join me in pondering some of life's greatest mysteries here at the Blessed Reformer.

Why do the Orthodox have names like science fiction characters, like this Silouan the Athonite? I'm not sure if this guy is the robot from a fifties UFO flick or some ape flying a Star Wars ship.

Why did one of the Preuses write a book called "Fire the Staff"? And is this a suggestion for synodical restructuring? If so, I'm all for it.

Why is there a little "o" in ELDoNA? Did Archbishop Keiser have to buy it from Vanna? If so, did he get a clergy discount?

How long does it take Kieschnick to sign his name, and what is the line item in the synodical budget for ink? Are there more curlicues in Jerruh's signature or Chins in the Peking phone book?

Did the Blue Ribbon Task Force raise the prize hog at the county fair?

Did this year's Fort Wayne seminary publications depict more bishops wearing miters or Salvation Navy gals?

What was more rare in this year's Saint Louis seminary publications, tributes to Martin Stephan or guys wearing clerical collars?

Does a case of 'roids count for the Ablaze!(tm) counter?

Are the Somali Pirates some kind of expansion team? And what do they have to do with Issues, Etc.?

Troops, have good new year and don't drink and drive. You might spill your drink, and hooch is a terrible thing to waste.

Don't tell CPH...

...they'll get ideas.

Don't Mess with the Orthos

Holy crap! I thought the "drunken monk" fighting style was only limited to the Buddhist Kung Fu types. The Orthodox might be able to give them a go-round in the octogon. Bully for the Christians!

Check out the video of the Greeks and the Armenians going at it, opening a can of whoop-ass right in the Holy Sepulcher. I like the guy in the chasuble. That's not a fella Herman Otten would want to call a homo for wearing one. I wear them myself, but speaking only for myself, it's rare that I ever throw a punch or a kick while vested (those altar guild meetings can get rough though).

I guess the Orthos didn't sing that old campfire song "and they'll know we're all Christians by our love..." I never liked all that hippy lovey-dovey crap anyway. Nothing says "Christian" like a good square kick to the groin. My disrespect for Robert Schuller faded a bit when he picked a fight with that queer male airline stewardess. Good for Bob! The hell with the "lavender mafia" always telling me to put my tray in its "upright position" (as if those guys know anything about that) when I still have a seven and seven "queued up on the runway" for landing!

Troops, I'm inspired by all this "clerical violence!" I'm going to "call out" my DiP at the next convention. I think it's time to "rumble." With a little training, I may be ready for a circuit-wide "round robin" - especially given the fact that half of my circuit is comprised of "sensitive" spanked-ass pencil-necked kids (who've never so much as taken a belt from their dads) holding Starbuck mugs and sporting you-know-what-eating grins, and the other half are overweight, greasy, sausage-fingered baby boomers just trying to keep their toes from getting cut off due to obesity-related diabetes and attempting to keep the Viagra from interfering with the blood pressure medicine. What a bunch of boobs!

I think I can take my whole circuit in a fisticuffs without too much trouble. Besides, there was that "preliminary match" with the "circus counselor." I'm told his oral surgery was a success - which is great, because the scars on the jaw make great targets for the rematch.

Of course, this video makes me wonder how that kid "Western" Jack Fenton is doing. I know living in Detroit will get your "dukes" up, but is Fenton in the same league with these ortho-bruisers? I don't think he ever had to punch a priest in the LCMS (though "priest" in the LCMS means the laity only). And what happens when Jerruh is called upon for ecumenical discussions with the Ortho-dukes? Nothing personal, but I think my Blanche could kick Jerry's diminutive gluteals - even without the benefits of a hormonal rage or nicotine fit. Maybe we should have elected Roegner instead (but didn't Jerry just throw him under the bus? That must have been something to see). Because what I want to see is Roegner in a Sumo match. I'm sure Masaki can make that happen - as long as you ply him with saki and Norwegian theology books. My sources tell me Masaki has a pretty mean o soto gari, and he is not a man to be messed with.

I say we put Sensei Masaki in the ring with these brawling incense huffers and make a movie: Crouching Theologian, Hidden Pastor. I'll buy the eggrolls.

LSB #388

This kind of stuff makes me want to jump off a mountain. Happy Holidays from the Ablazin' LCMS and the LSD hymnal.

Brawling with the Oldies

This kind of thing happens every time I try to take a little vacation. That's what I get for going bowling in Michigan. They get crazy every year they lose to Iowa State.

What that cutesy-pie video didn't cover is what happened after the match. A few of us stuck around and "had a few" and went after some teenagers who were laughing at us. Needless to say, age, guile, beer, and missed doses of Thorazine beat youth, stupidity, and pierced noses every time. That hardware the kids wear sure make a good target for the cane. Beautiful! I'm getting misty just thinking about it.

And, I gotta tell ya, my Wolverine drinking partner showed me some interesting techniques that a fella can do with a colostomy bag. Man, just the look on the punks' faces made it a worthwhile trip.

Official Board Game of the Missouri Synod

The boys at the district office are always wanting to play this game with me, but I think "board games" such as this are more suited for, say, the Board for Communication Services. Just ask that kid Tom Wilkin from that radio show. In his case, the "bustee" became the "buster."

Aside from "strip battleship" and cigarette smoking contests with the wife, the only game I like to play here at the Home is a drinking game. Whenever I hear the word "Coumadin," I do a shot. Around here with all of these blue haired pill poppers, a hip flask just doesn't cut the mustard. There's more dope here at Blessed Reformer than the kids were smoking at Woodsock.

Every day is a win, especially after a dozen of them start whining about their blood pressure.

Cheers!

A Parable of the Missouri Synod Bureaucracy

Ambiguously Pastoral Duo

Thanks to the Brokeback Lutherans for this:

Mark Schaefer & Patrick Miller - Speakers
Try to keep up as this dynamic pastoring duo of Water's Edge Lutheran Church in Frisco, Texas, jumps through scripture with more enthusiam and energy than anyone you've ever seen. Get ready to get smacked in the face with Jesus-centered biblical teaching that just might change your life forever.

The pastoral ministry sure has changed in the years since I said "I do." In my day, we would have never posed for a picture like this. Then again, we were pretty miserable guys - not like these fellas who seem genuinely gay and happy. But I may be old fashioned, but this kind of thing just has a queer look to it. It doesn't seem dignified. There's just something fruity going on here. I guess I'm used to a more "straight arrow" kind of image rather than these ambiguosly-dressed pastor buddies from San Francisco, Texas (and all this time I thought it was in California - which goes to show you kids what happens when you sneak a hip flask to sixth-grade geography class).

But I gotta tell you, if one of these guys smacked me in the face, they'd be spitting chicklets. That's one thing I don't cotton to with this whiny and pierced generation. They may think real life is like a video game, but it ain't. If "Ace" and "Gary" want a piece of Scuttlebutt, they'd better drag themselves out of the closet and take their poundings like real homo sapiens.

Now, if you'll all excuse me, it's time for my union-mandated nicotine break, and if there's one thing I never miss, it's a "fag."

My Cousin Hits a Homer

My cousin Fred has the definitive word about this President O'Bama.

Troops, this is required reading for all students of Scuttlebutt U., even though Fred is a combat scarred jar head who lives in Mexico and can drink me under the table. I'm still better looking, though.

Here's the good stuff.

The Ideal Ablaze!(tm) Preacher

"Programs rather than sermons..."

Martin Jehnichen

Armin Pra tries to bring locals to the church by offering helpful programs rather than sermons.

Troops, this is from an actual Kraut article. Hell, at least they describe their gimmicks as "programs" instead of as "movements." You know something's wrong when the Hun is more honest than you are.

All in all, it sounds like Wittenberg is as FUBAR as St. Louis. Well, at least you can get a real beer there to numb the pain instead of that Butt Lite they sell in Loonieland. Just make sure the last Lutherans in the EKD and in the LCMS are kind enough to turn the lights off when they leave. I'm on a fixed income.

History of the LCMS in 30 Seconds

Whiskey Tango... ?

... a Special Report from a General Scuttlebutt reader (and now Special Correspondent for SNS - Scuttlebutt News Service), Pastor X:

Every month, when I receive my copy of the LCMS Reporter "newspaper", I become uneasy. Usually, it's simply because of the colossal waste of funds that are spent in its printing and sending. I end up spending five minutes glancing through it and throwing it away. This time, however, the following job posting caught my attention:

The LCMS Northwest District and several Northwestern synods of the ELCA seek to fill the position of Director of Consultation to Clergy.

I was confused, was this multiple positions or one position? After visiting the website listed in the posting, www.consultationtoclergy.com, I learned that this position is serving in an organization called, not surprisingly, "Consultation to Clergy," described as "a pastoral care service of the Northwest District of the LCMS and the Akaska, Eastern Washington, etc...synods of the ELCA.

Not all that surprising, I know. Joint synodical efforts are good for public relations, if nothing else. Still, when I read the rest of the job posting, it was interesting to note that I wanted more information, I should "contact Rev. Penelope Guntermann."

A female "pastor" in the want ads of the LCMS newspaper. No one will notice anway, right? Perhaps not. But it should be noted, our friend Rev. Penelope has her signature on a "Faith-Based Statement in Support of Homosexual Marriage" on the site of a liberal Baptist church in Seattle, Washington.

General, move over for Preacher Babes and their girlfriends!

[Thanks a helluva lot Pastor X for making me feel like that poor little old drunken pumpkin in the picture. The last image I need on my mind is the juxtaposition of "ELCA pastor" and "position." I believe that's what the kids call a bad case of "TMI." It's always "trick or treat" in the LCMess. Our leadership "turns tricks" while we "treat ourselves" to a drunken stupor. Where the hell are those RIM guys now that I need them to "lay hands" on my liver? And what the you-know-what have these pimps and rednecks done with my Grandfather's Church? Just asking... - PGTS]

Reformation Day at CPH

Well, men, I guess it's nice to know the Reformation didn't ruin the trade in trinkets. And with Ref Day coming, it's good to know that even though I can't get my paws on one of St. Francis' toenails or a certified chamber pot used by Thomas Aquinas, we can still get relics - even if they are made in Red China.

CPH has a lot of stuff that if they tried getting Tetzel to hork, he mighta joined the Reformation instead. Say what you want about the papists, at least they sold real fake relics, like genuine knucklebones and dead skin rather than bobbleheads, socks with jokes on them, posters of people praying with their arms up like charismatics, and every manner of plastic kitsch that ends up in the trash after nobody buys it at the yard sale.

The General sez: "Get those hands together, kid, and stop speaking gibberish!"

But at least one item in the CPH catalog includes a prayer to the Virgin Mary to "pray for us at the hour of our death." Of course, I don't know if "our death" means the death of our synod, or just the death of good taste. Either way, CPH, I don't think the Blessed Virgin is taking orders.

Another item the Counter-Reformation might be interested in buying from "McCaneMart" might be Luther's Balls to take outside and whack around. I know that was something Leo X would have been willing to throw in a few ducats for. Too bad CPH's marketing department is five centuries behind the curve. I don't think Benedict XVI is shopping around for any Luther's Balls to swat at (and even if he did, I figure the EWTN Shopping Network would be his first choice anyhow). Besides, I think "Benny the Sweet 16" has a few bigger fish to eat on Friday. But in CPH's defense, a lot of our Ablaze!(tm) emergent up-and-coming zippedy-doo-dah phony you-know-what-eating-grinny golf-shirt types out there would love nothing more than to take a few slices at Luther's Balls - especially given their own lack of anything to prop up on a tee.

But the best Luther trinket CPH has got going right now is a Christmas bulb that says (and I excrete you not), "Luther Rose." Cripes, all this time I had no idea. I figured that rushing sound coming from Germany was Doctor Martin twisting in his grave in response to all the crap that goes on in churches with his name on them. But now the CPH folks are telling me that he's not even in the grave because... "Luther rose"! Does that mean he was raptured, or assumed, or just got up and went for a walk Lazarus-style?

He did what?

So, do we sing Easter hymns to celebrate the resurrection of Luther? Is that in the Confessions somewhere? And if it is, are we in the LCMS allowed to ignore it like the rest of it?

Luther rose.

So, Martin Luther has already taken the dirt nap, got up, ate an eggs-bacon-and-cheese McMuffin and is reading the morning Der Spiegel while we're all just sitting around here reciting the Nicene Creed and waiting for the second coming and the resurrection?

Tetzel sez: "Here at CPH, operators are standing by to take your order!"

New LCMS District, SMP pastor

SNS - Booger Hollow, WV --- The Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod, in line with President Kieschnick's Blue Ribbon Task Force on Synodical Structure and Political Chicanery announces the formation of the new West Virginia District.

The WVD's first and only congregation for the time being is Booger Hollow Community Church, formerly Booger Hollow Lutheran Church. BHCC had a special "Celebration Kickoff and Snake Handling Service" last Sunday that included the installation of recent SMP student Jobash "Joby" Scraggs, (left) with BHCC head elder Grady "Gravy" Grubbs (right).

BHCC is one of the Ablaze!(tm) flagship congregations, and is officially the fastest growing congregation in the district. BHCC features relevant preaching, lively worship, and is actively engaging the culture in a missional context.

"I wanna thank President Kieschnick for coming all the way from Saint Louie in that fancy flyin' machine," said Pastor Joby, "and we sure appreciate him bringing us that cow," he said, either in reference to the Synod's Commission on Worship or the Bovine Missionary Program announced by the Synod's Mission Board last week after a surplus of cattle for the "Udderly Ablaze!(tm) in Africa Initiative" was saturated with donated livestock.

The preacher and celebrant of the special communion service was Elder Gravy, who thanked the pastor for "Lettin' me have a go at preachin'" - which was especially gracious of the pastor considering Gravy's lack of training compared to Rev. Scraggs' extensive education, having taken a grueling seminary correspondence course that required him to actually memorize the first five books of the bible in their canonical order.

Scraggs and Grubbs plan on sharing the preaching and officiating at BHCC, as the new WVD president Honorary Doctor Raynard "June Bug" Fletcher pointed out that, "It ain't like your grand-daddy's church where the preacher had to have all that book-larnen" and where the laity were prohibited from things like consecrating the elements, ordaining pastors, and performing open heart surgery.

"All that Book of Concordance stuff is all fine and dandy for the Ivory Tower and those uppity folk in the County Seat," said Dr. Fletcher, "but all folks in these parts need to know is that Jesus and Jerry are their friends, banjos in church is a good thing, and of course, how to properly suck venom out of a copperhead wound after the 10:30 service."

BHCC is on the cutting edge of the fastest-growing Lutheran churches. The pastor dresses casually, communion is served infrequently, and the church features a large screen at the front - which serves to allow cool air to come in, but to keep the larger flies out.

"We don't use no hymnals, Pastor Joby don't wear none of them girly cathlick robes, and when you get the gift of tongues, we'll baptize you in the crick - as many times as you want. We're big believers in Christian liberty and adiaphora, ain't that right, Pastor?" asked Grubbs, who lost his left arm last year at the church's special Easter Sunrise and Chainsaw Praise and Worship Service.

"Gravy, I couldn't a said it better myself," replied the pastor. "And adiaphora is the first word they taught us at Simp School - and it's even in some foreign language. That's why you're gonna be preachin' for the next month. I'm in the middle of an intensive SMP course right now, and when I get done with it, I'll be able to recite all four Gospels in their cannon ball order, and so I can't be disturbed from my studies."

President Kieschnick made a point to explain how proud he was of both of our "two amazing seminaries" for their "heart-felt participation in the Specific Ministry Program, which is bearing fruits such as this fine Ablaze!(tm) congregation that stands as a witness to the power of thinking outside the box in a postmodern culture in need of the missional mission of the mission of those who are missional."

Pastor Scraggs responded humbly: "I don't know what all you just said, Jerry, but I sure do think it sounded real purty."

Unfortunately, Pastor Scraggs was bitten in the buttocks during the singing of the final hymn. President Kieschnick declined Scragg's offer to suck out the venom, explaining to BHCC that situations like this is why the church has district personnel, and that he was actually urgently needed back at the International Center where his presence at "very important meetings" would save the lost who are dying at a rate of one every five seconds. To underscore the point, President Kieschnick snapped his fingers. There was a hush over the congregation, which was deeply moved by the profound gesture.

It is also worth noting that the BHCC Snake Handling Service is under consideration by the Commission on Worship to be included in future worship materials per the Synod's mandate for more contemporary expressions of worship.

Scuttlebutt News Service, copyright 2008. This report may not be reproduced in any form without without the following disclaimer: "Christ's Church IS my grandfather's Church!"