Well, men, I guess it's nice to know the Reformation didn't ruin the trade in trinkets. And with Ref Day coming, it's good to know that even though I can't get my paws on one of St. Francis' toenails or a certified chamber pot used by Thomas Aquinas, we can still get relics - even if they are made in Red China.
CPH has a lot of stuff that if they tried getting Tetzel to hork, he mighta joined the Reformation instead. Say what you want about the papists, at least they sold real fake relics, like genuine knucklebones and dead skin rather than bobbleheads, socks with jokes on them, posters of people praying with their arms up like charismatics, and every manner of plastic kitsch that ends up in the trash after nobody buys it at the yard sale.
The General sez: "Get those hands together, kid, and stop speaking gibberish!"But at least one item in the CPH catalog includes a prayer to the Virgin Mary to "pray for us at the hour of our death." Of course, I don't know if "our death" means the death of our synod, or just the death of good taste. Either way, CPH, I don't think the Blessed Virgin is taking orders.
Another item the Counter-Reformation might be interested in buying from "McCaneMart" might be Luther's Balls to take outside and whack around. I know that was something Leo X would have been willing to throw in a few ducats for. Too bad CPH's marketing department is five centuries behind the curve. I don't think Benedict XVI is shopping around for any Luther's Balls to swat at (and even if he did, I figure the EWTN Shopping Network would be his first choice anyhow). Besides, I think "Benny the Sweet 16" has a few bigger fish to eat on Friday. But in CPH's defense, a lot of our Ablaze!(tm) emergent up-and-coming zippedy-doo-dah phony you-know-what-eating-grinny golf-shirt types out there would love nothing more than to take a few slices at Luther's Balls - especially given their own lack of anything to prop up on a tee.
But the best Luther trinket CPH has got going right now is a Christmas bulb that says (and I excrete you not), "Luther Rose." Cripes, all this time I had no idea. I figured that rushing sound coming from Germany was Doctor Martin twisting in his grave in response to all the crap that goes on in churches with his name on them. But now the CPH folks are telling me that he's not even in the grave because... "Luther rose"! Does that mean he was raptured, or assumed, or just got up and went for a walk Lazarus-style?
He did what? So, do we sing Easter hymns to celebrate the resurrection of Luther? Is that in the Confessions somewhere? And if it is, are we in the LCMS allowed to ignore it like the rest of it?
Luther rose.
So, Martin Luther has already taken the dirt nap, got up, ate an eggs-bacon-and-cheese McMuffin and is reading the morning Der Spiegel while we're all just sitting around here reciting the Nicene Creed and waiting for the second coming and the resurrection?
Tetzel sez: "Here at CPH, operators are standing by to take your order!"
So, Martin Luther has already taken the dirt nap, got up, ate an eggs-bacon-and-cheese McMuffin and is reading the morning Der Spiegel while we're all just sitting around here reciting the Nicene Creed and waiting for the second coming and the resurrection?
ReplyDelete(George Carlin voice)
SPECIALLLLLLL DISPENSATIONNNNNN!
If Luther rose I sure as hell wish he would come over here to America and kick the crap out of all of those people calling themselves Lutherans while acting like Catholics, Calvinists, and Lord knows what else.
ReplyDeleteHoly agricola! Neo-Post Evangelicals are including 'Ave Maria' on volume XII of Casey Casem's top 20 christmas hits and its being peddled by a Lutheran publishing house? Next thing you know our District Presidents will be telling us Christians and Muslims pray to the same God.
ReplyDeleteLuther Rose? That explains a lot of things, like that big hole in the floor of the Wittenburg church, and why that websiet is named "Luther Quest." Poor guys don't know where he is-not sure they'll find him though given what the topics of discussion, (kinda get off topic from time to time if you ask me).
I had a dream. Jurrah was giving his nth rendition of his Ablaze(tm) speech and he started snapping his fingers claiming that every time he snapped his fingers another soul went to hell. A lone layman in the back of the room yelled, "Then stop snapping your fingers you jerk!" I swiped this from another joke rolling around the net but I believe it fits.
ReplyDeleteEvery month, when I receive my copy of the LCMS Reporter "newspaper", I become uneasy. Usually, it's simply because of the colossal waste of funds that are spent in its printing and sending. I end up spending five minutes glancing through it and throwing it away. This time, however, the following job posting caught my attention:
ReplyDeleteThe LCMS Northwest District and several Northwestern synods of the ELCA seek to fill the position of Director of Consultation to Clergy.
I was confused, was this multiple positions or one position? After visiting the website listed in the posting, www.consultationtoclergy.com, I learned that this position is serving in an organization called, not surprisingly, "Consultation to Clergy," described as "a pastoral care service of the Northwest District of the LCMS and the Akaska, Eastern Washington, etc...synods of the ELCA.
Not all that surprising, I know. Joint synodical efforts are good for public relations, if nothing else. Still, when I read the rest of the job posting, it was interesting to note that I wanted more information, I should "contact Rev. Penelope Guntermann."
A female "pastor" in the want ads of the LCMS newspaper. No one will notice anway, right? Perhaps not. But it should be noted, our friend Rev. Penelope has her signature on a "Faith-Based Statement in Support of Homosexual Marriage" http://www.seattlefirstbaptist.org/Default.asp?c=Thu%20Oct%209%2022:29:21%20EDT%202008&o=240&rW=1024&rH=768&Header=Prophetic%20Statements&Locator=Prophetic_Statements, on the site of a liberal Baptist church in Seattle, Washington.
General, move over for Preacher Babes and their girlfriends!