No News is Good News

I thought they call it "news" because it's something new. I mean, there's a reason they don't call it the "olds" right? Not that I have anything against old people. I think people oughtta respect their elders - except when they get twenty-year old punks with nose-rings to be the elders. Then I say turn 'em over your knee. Now I hear they got broad elders in the LCMS. I can tell you this much, no dame wants to be called "elder" - even if she's pushing ninety. But leave it to Missouri not not understand the broads.

Anyway, don't get me wrong, I appreciate Herman Akhn-Otten sending me all the paper. It comes in handy for a thousand and one uses (that's the least the old lunatic can do after getting Jerruh Kieschnick elected to the office of God's Number One Right Hand Man). It's worth every penny I pay for it.

So what does Herman Munster consider news? let's check out the October 8 issue. Headline: "No Predestination to Hell." This is news? That's right up there with "King Saul Behaving Badly." Herman, it's supposed to be "news." The Reformed have been full of crap for 400 years. I don't think the Daily Planet will be sending Clark Kent to get the scoop. Am I getting through, or does the tin foil hat block all the radiation?

And who's picture is on the front page? Walter Maier. Not WAM8, nor WAM7, not WAM6... not even WAM2. We're talking WAM 1.0 - the Beta version. News? And get a load of the caption: "What's Walter Maier Sr. Doing Now?" Well, what do you think he's doing now? Hell's Bells, I don't think he's running the Boston Marathon.

Under the main headline on the front page is the secondary headline: "Walter Maier Still Speaks: Missouri and the World Should Listen." Cripes, Herm! If you're still hearing Walter speak, either you been smoking banana peels or you need to burn the ouija board. Either that, or there's something to that "runner's high" stuff. I figure it's a lot easier to knock back a couple shooters to get gassed than to break a sweat (not to mention maybe even a hip) going outside and running. But all that aside, this is the front page of "Christian News." And what does the first paragraph of the article say? It says that WAM "stumbled upon radio in the 1920s." Look, I liked the 20s. But they haven't exactly been news in a good year or two. I don't think the Teapot Dome Scandal qualifies for "news" any more.

Of course, the latest issue includes the obligatory incoherent rant by the drooling Wacky Jack Cassione. This one (yawn) is critical of Affirm - which I thought was a crazy pill, either that or a company that went out of business when they started Thrident. The most memorable line in Jack Cass' latest tantrum is that Affirm mis-labled Pastor Eric Stephanski as a "right wing extremist" instead of a "Romanizer." Thanks for clearing that one up. Now take your meds, Jerky.

Also on the front page is the usual Otten flatulence, this time against that crazy kid Berthold von Schenk. Look, I don't like Germans any more than the next 8 billion people on the planet - but Schenk's not a bad guy. He just has a lot of what we call "youthful exuberance." Let him grow up a bit, mellow out. Besides, he's from New York. You gotta be a little goofy to live there. But the good news is that Hermy illegally republished a shirtload of pages from the ALPB book about Vonny - thus saving me a good twelve bucks to waste elsewhere. The bad news is that I need a microfilm reader to decode it.

Also inside the paper, following Herman's proclivity for channeling dead theologians, is an article from 1986. After all, this is news. It's called "Clark Speaks from the Grave." Creepy. It's not even Halloween yet. Herman's losing his few remaining marbles - and Lord Elgin isn't even interested.

There's also the stereotypical "CN" whine about Herman and Jack's inability to get on KFUO. Is this news? I wouldn't let either one of them anywhere near a live mike - circus side shows excepted.

But let's not forget the other newsworthy tidbit on the cover: "the 75th Anniversary of the Brief Statement of the Doctrinal Position of the Missouri Synod." Wow. Maybe Baskin Robbins will be giving out kiddie cones to celebrate. I'll bring the Jack Daniels.

But keep sending me those papers, Herm. I got some painting to do, and the wife's talking about getting a puppy. Besides, my guest subscription to Weekly World News is on the verge of expiration - much like most of the people you write about.

Any news from the Aliens?

I haven't heard much news from the front lines of the War of the Worlds going on in Indiana. My grandkid isn't speaking to me since I used his ATM card to take care of this month's tab at the Legion. He tried to buy an Art Just commentary and his card was denied.

Big whoop. It's all the same anyway. Table fellowship (yada yada). Chiasm (blah blah). That's about it. I just saved him eighty bucks or whatever CPH is charging for it. I told him not to sweat it. I'd buy him a keg after the pension check clears. He'll get over it.

Meanwhile, I'm not getting any news about the take-over - except the snippets I get in Christian Noose and its more reliable cousin Weekly World News.

Have the guitars been brought out into the chapel yet? I'm getting old and I want the second coming to get here. I'm convinced that the guitars will be the final omen just before the four horsemen ride in, Bill Gates is revealed as the Antichrist, and the Wisconsin Synod ordains its first broad. Boy, that sounds like what Jack Chick says. Those little books scare me. They sound a lot like the Ablazeniks!(tm) in our synod.

Vee Haff Ablaze!(tm)

After all these years, I thought we won the Big One in World War II! It's bad enough I have to pronounce all of these Kraut names with 25 letters in them while serving a retirement home full of Lutherans (half of whom are still trying to drive their BMWs and Volkswagons), but it seems like everything from the LCMS sounds like it comes right from the Berlin Bunker. Take for instance this slogan:

"One mission, one message, one people." (Jerry Kieschnick)

Now I'm having WW2 flashbacks. Back in the day, we heard this from the little uniball paper-hanging corporal:

"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Führer!" (Adolph Hitler).

Both have a cult following made up of people with Teutonic names. Both have little pins they wear that have some kind of distorted cross on them. Both sometimes wear a uniform, while other times wearing civilian clothes. Now if Jerruh would grow a little mustache, we'd have a grand slam. Which reminds me, I need to run to Denny's.

It goes to show you, you can take the dictator out of the Kraut, but you can't take the Kraut out of the dictator. And what is the LCMS bragging about now? A "ministry center" in Wittenberg. What's next? The Sudetenland? Poland? The world?

Award Nominations

Nominations are now being accepted for this year's Scuttle Awards. Vote early and often! The Board of Testees of the Scuttlebutt Military Academy will convene and announce the winners after their next executive "bored" meeting.


LCMS Awards
The Britney: most overexposed LCMS personality
The Dead Orthodoxy: favorite deceased LCMS bronze ager
The Smoky: favorite LCMS convert to Orthodoxy (Eastern or Western)
The Crunchy: favorite LCMS liberal
The Grunty: favorite LCMS conservative
The Liberace: most flamboyantly vested LCMS pastor or deaconess
The Twangy: worst hymn in any LCMS hymnal
The Slicky: most polished LCMS synodical president
The Fatty: most corpulent LCMS clergyperson
The Chicky: most outspoken LCMS advocate of women's ordination
The Goldy: best LCMS preacher
The ABC: most useless LCMS group signified by an acronym
The Lychee: most useless LCMS bureaucrat
The Geeky: LCMS clergy or layperson who is on the internet too much
The Loopy: most disturbing LCMS collegiate chapel
The Kitschy: most annoying Ablaze!(tm) trinket or gimmick
The Phoebe: LCMS deaconess most likely to be ordained
The Quickie: favorite LCMS alternate route to the ministry
The Semmy: most disappointing LCMS seminary
The Dippy: most disturbing District President
The Anglo-Saxy: favorite LCMS convert to Anglicanism
The New Agey: favorite LCMS syncretist
The Hippy: favorite outdated LCMS "praise song"
The Mackarel Snappy: favorite LCMS convert to Roman Catholicism
The Ecumenny: favorite LCMS unionist
The Faculty: best LCMS seminary professor
The Ballsy: most outspoken LCMS pastor
The Smelly-Belly: favorite LCMS high churchman
The Empty-Crossy: favorite LCMS Low churchman
The Lackey: most shameful LCMS fart-catcher
The Nobody: favorite anonymous LCMS blog poster
The No-Lifey: most prolific LCMS blogger
The Loony: most annoying newspaper publisher catering to LCMS members
The Wacky: most rabid former LCMS pastor
The Falsie: most common heresy in the LCMS

Non-LCMS Awards
The Fruity: favorite gay Episcopalian bishop
The Money-Honey: favorite rich female televangelist
The Poppy: favorite pope
The Greeky: favorite Orthodox theologian
The Secty: favorite wannabe Christian group
The Toothy: favorite grinning Evangelical
The Romy: favorite EWTN personality
The Splinty: favorite tiny spin-off group
The Gaudy: favorite TBN personality
The Freaky: favorite cult
The Happy: favorite glory theologian
The Loothy: favorite Lutheran (non-LCMS)
The Goofy: favorite non-LCMS crazy preacher
The Fuzzy: favorite Emerging Church leader
The LCD Plasmie: favorite TV preacher
The Fraudy: favorite miracle-working televangelist
The Toasty: favorite dead heretic
The Daddy: favorite church father

Leo X Reincarnated in St. Loonie?

Reformation Day's coming, troops. That's when we celebrate Marty Luther's giving of the lengthiest ecclesiastical digit to church bureaucrats and got rid of all the trinkets Rome was selling to raise money.

Well, I hate to break it to ya, but the Antichrist has moved to St. Louis and left no forwarding address.

The 'crats have come back with a vengeance and the trinkets are back courtesy of the contemporary John Tetzel, Concordia Publishing House.

Nothing cries out "It's Sunday!" like the NFL Bible cover sold by CPH. And what confessional Lutheranette wouldn't love to spend All Saints Day painting her nails with the Fruit of the Spirit manicure set that she got for Reformation Day courtesy of CPH? Of course, the charm bracelets would be a little more Lutheran if we could get some relics attached to them, like C.F.W. Walther's teeth. But then again, he didn't even have them when he was alive. I guess we still have a lot to learn about relic marketing. You gotta admit that'd make a helluva rosary for the "hyper euro Lutherans" to clack at Mass. What Would Fenton Do?

But we're learning! And we're making the almighty buck doing it! There's gotta be a "Blessing of the Luther's Rose Ballcap" rite somewhere in that new hymnal. Just don't run a copy on the Xerox, or you'll get sued.

So on October 31st, let's all put on our "Here I Stand" sweatsocks and get our Luther bobbleheads to nodding in unison as we sing "A Mighty Fortress" while Paul McCain dances around the cash register clutching his Book of Concord.

Happy Halloween!

Reefer Madness!

We're in big trouble, troops!

There's a new drug out there sweeping the nation. The kids are buying and selling the stuff like CPH is pushing coffee. It's even worse than that pot that the kids were smoking back when we used to beat them up for burning their draft cards. I know about that stuff, because every slack-jawed mouth-breathing sixty year old man with a ponytail tries to get me to smoke the stuff with them. It makes them all "mellow" and girly. No thanks, homos, I'm sticking with the Swisher Sweet (White Owl on special occasions).

Anyway, I'm browsing around the so-called video store (which you can hardly find videos any more - they're putting the movies on coasters these days - and I have no idea how to get the Video Cassette Recorder to play the damned things). I want a comedy, something to take my mind off of deep matters of church and state. So I wander around the laugh section, and find this flick called "Reefer Madness." I figure it must be some kind of spoof of refrigerated semis, kind of a "10-4 goodbuddy" movie with that kid Burt Rickles and Jackie Gleason or something.

I take the box over to the counter, and the punk is laughing at me. "You sure you want this, old man?" Well, lemme tell ya, "Trey" isn't laughing now. At least if he is, it's a toothless grin. Those studs the kids wear in their tongues sure chew up lip tissue. Ha! The counter looked like someone spilled a box of white chicklets and covered them with ketchup. The best part, I made the punk take my coupon from Blockbuster - so I didn't even have to pay for it. Then I made him tell me to "have a nice day." Like the kids say: "Sweet."

Anyway, I stroll on back to the Multi Media Room of the Blessed Reformer Retirement Home and get ready for the belly laughs.

It turns out to be a documentary. Damn! It's supposed to be shown in schools and in churches to warn parents and children about this new drug called "marihuana." This is some bad stuff, men. I'm telling you. You would not believe what I saw in this movie.

Al Gore is worried about "global warming" (I hate to break it to you, Moonbeam, but "global warming" is normal. At any given time, half of the earth is being warmed by the sun. It's called "daytime"), but he needs to get up to speed on this drug problem.

Michael Moore is all hot and bothered because he can get surgery in Cuba cheaper than in New York. Well, what the hell do you expect? Everything costs more in New York, dummy! You can also get Cuban smokes a helluva lot cheaper in Havana than in Brooklyn. You don't have to be Alan Greenspleen to figure it out. Michael Moore should be doing a flick about marihuana instead.

Clint Eastwood is busy making movies telling us how great the Japs are (when he's not blubbering like a woman these days). Look, I like my transistor radio as much as the next swinging Richard, but this Eastwoods guy should stick to making movies with monkeys (and I'm not talking about Lee Van Cleef either). Eastwood needs to tackle this outrageous narcotic problem that's going on while the kids are at the malt shops. I never trusted those soda jerks. They're probably where the kids are getting all the marihuana.

Marihuana causes people to get hyped up, drive cars really fast (the camera cut to the speedometer and it was damn near pegged at 50), run people over, and then laugh about it. One smoke on one, just one, of these "reefer" cigarettes and you're hooked. You go instantly insane, and you kill people. The movie even shows more than two complete filing cabinets full of files that the FBI has on the stuff. It causes rape, suicide, and murder. "Women cry for it, men die for it." It's all right there in black and white in the film. You cannot argue with that, troops.

The government needs to do something about this.

Meanwhile, you hear nothing about this menace in the newspapers. What the hell is the LCMS doing about this scourge? Once more, Missouri is thirty years behind the times and clueless.

Apology and Retraction

Every now and then, the old General crosses the line. I did it this time, troops. Word on the street is that Paul McCain has accused me of slandering Matt Harrison. He's right. In my next-to-last missive I said that the latest 20-page glossy newsletter from LCMS World Relief had seven times the mentions of Matt Harrison vs. Jesus. That's simply not true. Math was never my strong point. In fact, Matt is only mentioned 6.5 times as often as Jesus - not 7. Like the kids say: "My bad." I'll try to be more accurate in my future commentary. I report, you decide. Or in the case of Paul McFain: "I opine, you whine."

Other than that, troops, I just don't like Matt Harrison. I never met him, but maybe it's the bushy lip-hair. Maybe it's having his picture appear more often in LCMS publications than Michael Vick at a PETA rally. I half expect to see him on the cover of the gossip rags with Lindsey Lohan and Brad Pitt the next time I'm languishing in line at Wally World.

I don't know, I just don't trust the guy. Maybe it's not reasonable, but having been shot in the ass for my country, I do believe I am entitled to my opinion. Has Paul McRain ever been shot in the ass for his country? Having an opinion that Paul "Never Shot in the Ass" McClean doesn't like don't make it slander.

I'm told that McClone thinks I've violated the 8th commandment in writing about Matty Harryson. Bovinity! By the way, what commandment does it violate when a synodical president puts his name on pamphlets that he didn't write - having a lackey do it instead? Maybe McClain can answer that one? "What About... Cheating?"

So Pauly doesn't like General Scuttlebutt. That puts him in good company - with the Gooks, Japs, hippies, and liberals. I don't expect to see Jerruh Kieschnick and Dave Benke paying me a visit at Blessed Reformer any time soon either. Boo hoo. Real pastors have to have thick hides. Besides, I'm an old man. My desire to please church politicians ceased functioning decades ago - about the time my bowels started giving me problems. Let the reader understand.

What McLean really means is that the General broke the Eleventh Commandment. It's not in the Decalogue or even the Elevelogue. It's not biblical, but Reaganal: "Thou shalt not criticize a fellow conservative." That's the General's real transgression here, ladies and germs. McCorn has been in politics so long he's gotten his Reagan mixed in with his Moses - which isn't nearly as keen as getting peanut butter in your chocolate (one of the grandkids just sent me a bag of Reese cups). Who knows? Maybe that's one of the reasons the first McCrain version of the Book of Concord flunked doctrinal review. Check it out, troops, make sure the First Chief Part stops at ten. Cripes, I'm still calling Tappert the "New" Book of Concord.

My advice to this kid McLain would be to get off the synodical teat, find an altar and a pulpit, grow a set, and stop calling any disagreement with himself a sin. Also, he oughtta lighten up. Too many years in St. Loonie robs a man of his humor, humanity, and common sense. Does Paul Whatshisname really think even one person's opinion of Matt Almighty will change because senile old General Scuttlebutt said something negative about him on his blog? Hell, according to McAin't, that oughtta be a badge of honor.

Finally, McSwain, if you don't like what the General has to say, get your own blog.

Now all of you, get back to work! And you kids, get off my lawn!

Another benefit of Instant Ministry(tm)

Now this is the kind of outside the box fundraising St. Louis needs for the Fanning the Flatulence(tm) program. We need to get these people in the pulpit as quick as possible, and get them finding money to donate to the synod. With the aliens running Fort Wayne, this alternate route to ordained ministry ought to be a cinch.

Alien-Wenthe may also have a way to fund his Library/Launch pad using the "clergy tip giftcard" method (is the CTS development office listening?).

Matt Harrison, Superstar

Got another fancy-schmancy glossy from the Synod today. For being broke, they sure have expensive tastes in newsletters. But "frugality" and "bureaucracy" have never played nice together.

Anyhoo, let's take a look at the box scores for the 20 pages of the Fall 2007 issue:

Matt Harrison
Number of times Matthew Harrison's name appears: 13
- in bold: 9
- in a signature: 1
Number of pictures of Matt Harrison: 2

Coffee
Number of times the word "coffee" appears: 5

Jesus
Number of times Jesus' name appears: 2


John 2:16 update
The LCMeSs is also now selling coffee. According to Rev. Paul Kienker the "principal gifts officer with the LCMS World Relief and Human Care development team" (good thing this fella went to seminary...) who has worked on the coffee project for three years (as long as our Lord's earthly ministry), "It's a robust, quality coffee." Troops, I wouldn't know. I didn't major in hot beverages in my day at the sem.

Of course, it goes without saying that the Concordia Propaganda House is involved: "The aromatic, medium roast blend hits CPH shelves this fall." Ka-ching! It's also "environmentally friendly" - which I'm sure serves as a convenient offset to all the crap Harrison's jet setting heaves into the atmosphere.

Well, it's good to know the Cyanide has its priorities straight. Of course, coffee happens to be grown in warm, exotic places - the sorts of places the bureaucrats will need to go for "meetings" (junkets) and "fact finding missions" (photo-ops). And certainly, our "missionaries" will need to go to Rio around Carnivale time to bring those scantily-clad followers of the Antichrist into the True Visible Church on Earth(tm) with a nice cup of coffee and a praise band.

Execretical Theologians
It also doesn't suck that the LCMS World Relief and Human Care folks have a lot of projects going in Germany. Only a cynic would think that this is so the 'crats can take a vacation and drink beer - all paid for by donors whose heart-strings are tugged by pictures of third world kids and chickens (page 11). Of course, that can't be true.

A lot of people think these bureaucrats are stupid. Like a fox. Like Jerry said when he was elected Pope of Missouri: "It's a wonderful life." No preaching, no teaching Bible class, no adult inquirer class, no confirmation class, no hearing parishioners piss and moan about pew-pads or the color of the narthex rug, no voter meetings (Cascione just lost interest), no nursing home visits, no death vigils, and no parish pastor paycheck. Nosiree, Matt! All that is swapped out for exotic travel, name recognition, photo-ops, meetings at the White House, hobnobbing with the Council of Politicians, glossy newsletters, and a hefty salary. "Diakonia" sure ain't what it was when St. Stephen was wearing the diagonal stole. Of course, if he wanted to do "diakonal ministry" in the LCMS today, he'd have to do the Galatians 5:12 thing and start wearing a blue dress.

Besides, what other church career allows a fella to get seven times the exposure of Jesus - and without the cross? I mean, why would anyone in his right mind pick the cross over glory? Just make sure you have those boarding passes handy, boys. There are plenty of souls to save in business class. And maybe they're serving some of those chickens on page 11.