Reformation Day at CPH

Well, men, I guess it's nice to know the Reformation didn't ruin the trade in trinkets. And with Ref Day coming, it's good to know that even though I can't get my paws on one of St. Francis' toenails or a certified chamber pot used by Thomas Aquinas, we can still get relics - even if they are made in Red China.

CPH has a lot of stuff that if they tried getting Tetzel to hork, he mighta joined the Reformation instead. Say what you want about the papists, at least they sold real fake relics, like genuine knucklebones and dead skin rather than bobbleheads, socks with jokes on them, posters of people praying with their arms up like charismatics, and every manner of plastic kitsch that ends up in the trash after nobody buys it at the yard sale.

The General sez: "Get those hands together, kid, and stop speaking gibberish!"

But at least one item in the CPH catalog includes a prayer to the Virgin Mary to "pray for us at the hour of our death." Of course, I don't know if "our death" means the death of our synod, or just the death of good taste. Either way, CPH, I don't think the Blessed Virgin is taking orders.

Another item the Counter-Reformation might be interested in buying from "McCaneMart" might be Luther's Balls to take outside and whack around. I know that was something Leo X would have been willing to throw in a few ducats for. Too bad CPH's marketing department is five centuries behind the curve. I don't think Benedict XVI is shopping around for any Luther's Balls to swat at (and even if he did, I figure the EWTN Shopping Network would be his first choice anyhow). Besides, I think "Benny the Sweet 16" has a few bigger fish to eat on Friday. But in CPH's defense, a lot of our Ablaze!(tm) emergent up-and-coming zippedy-doo-dah phony you-know-what-eating-grinny golf-shirt types out there would love nothing more than to take a few slices at Luther's Balls - especially given their own lack of anything to prop up on a tee.

But the best Luther trinket CPH has got going right now is a Christmas bulb that says (and I excrete you not), "Luther Rose." Cripes, all this time I had no idea. I figured that rushing sound coming from Germany was Doctor Martin twisting in his grave in response to all the crap that goes on in churches with his name on them. But now the CPH folks are telling me that he's not even in the grave because... "Luther rose"! Does that mean he was raptured, or assumed, or just got up and went for a walk Lazarus-style?

He did what?

So, do we sing Easter hymns to celebrate the resurrection of Luther? Is that in the Confessions somewhere? And if it is, are we in the LCMS allowed to ignore it like the rest of it?

Luther rose.

So, Martin Luther has already taken the dirt nap, got up, ate an eggs-bacon-and-cheese McMuffin and is reading the morning Der Spiegel while we're all just sitting around here reciting the Nicene Creed and waiting for the second coming and the resurrection?

Tetzel sez: "Here at CPH, operators are standing by to take your order!"

New LCMS District, SMP pastor

SNS - Booger Hollow, WV --- The Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod, in line with President Kieschnick's Blue Ribbon Task Force on Synodical Structure and Political Chicanery announces the formation of the new West Virginia District.

The WVD's first and only congregation for the time being is Booger Hollow Community Church, formerly Booger Hollow Lutheran Church. BHCC had a special "Celebration Kickoff and Snake Handling Service" last Sunday that included the installation of recent SMP student Jobash "Joby" Scraggs, (left) with BHCC head elder Grady "Gravy" Grubbs (right).

BHCC is one of the Ablaze!(tm) flagship congregations, and is officially the fastest growing congregation in the district. BHCC features relevant preaching, lively worship, and is actively engaging the culture in a missional context.

"I wanna thank President Kieschnick for coming all the way from Saint Louie in that fancy flyin' machine," said Pastor Joby, "and we sure appreciate him bringing us that cow," he said, either in reference to the Synod's Commission on Worship or the Bovine Missionary Program announced by the Synod's Mission Board last week after a surplus of cattle for the "Udderly Ablaze!(tm) in Africa Initiative" was saturated with donated livestock.

The preacher and celebrant of the special communion service was Elder Gravy, who thanked the pastor for "Lettin' me have a go at preachin'" - which was especially gracious of the pastor considering Gravy's lack of training compared to Rev. Scraggs' extensive education, having taken a grueling seminary correspondence course that required him to actually memorize the first five books of the bible in their canonical order.

Scraggs and Grubbs plan on sharing the preaching and officiating at BHCC, as the new WVD president Honorary Doctor Raynard "June Bug" Fletcher pointed out that, "It ain't like your grand-daddy's church where the preacher had to have all that book-larnen" and where the laity were prohibited from things like consecrating the elements, ordaining pastors, and performing open heart surgery.

"All that Book of Concordance stuff is all fine and dandy for the Ivory Tower and those uppity folk in the County Seat," said Dr. Fletcher, "but all folks in these parts need to know is that Jesus and Jerry are their friends, banjos in church is a good thing, and of course, how to properly suck venom out of a copperhead wound after the 10:30 service."

BHCC is on the cutting edge of the fastest-growing Lutheran churches. The pastor dresses casually, communion is served infrequently, and the church features a large screen at the front - which serves to allow cool air to come in, but to keep the larger flies out.

"We don't use no hymnals, Pastor Joby don't wear none of them girly cathlick robes, and when you get the gift of tongues, we'll baptize you in the crick - as many times as you want. We're big believers in Christian liberty and adiaphora, ain't that right, Pastor?" asked Grubbs, who lost his left arm last year at the church's special Easter Sunrise and Chainsaw Praise and Worship Service.

"Gravy, I couldn't a said it better myself," replied the pastor. "And adiaphora is the first word they taught us at Simp School - and it's even in some foreign language. That's why you're gonna be preachin' for the next month. I'm in the middle of an intensive SMP course right now, and when I get done with it, I'll be able to recite all four Gospels in their cannon ball order, and so I can't be disturbed from my studies."

President Kieschnick made a point to explain how proud he was of both of our "two amazing seminaries" for their "heart-felt participation in the Specific Ministry Program, which is bearing fruits such as this fine Ablaze!(tm) congregation that stands as a witness to the power of thinking outside the box in a postmodern culture in need of the missional mission of the mission of those who are missional."

Pastor Scraggs responded humbly: "I don't know what all you just said, Jerry, but I sure do think it sounded real purty."

Unfortunately, Pastor Scraggs was bitten in the buttocks during the singing of the final hymn. President Kieschnick declined Scragg's offer to suck out the venom, explaining to BHCC that situations like this is why the church has district personnel, and that he was actually urgently needed back at the International Center where his presence at "very important meetings" would save the lost who are dying at a rate of one every five seconds. To underscore the point, President Kieschnick snapped his fingers. There was a hush over the congregation, which was deeply moved by the profound gesture.

It is also worth noting that the BHCC Snake Handling Service is under consideration by the Commission on Worship to be included in future worship materials per the Synod's mandate for more contemporary expressions of worship.

Scuttlebutt News Service, copyright 2008. This report may not be reproduced in any form without without the following disclaimer: "Christ's Church IS my grandfather's Church!"

Truckin' LCMS-style

Oingo Boingo and the Name Game

You know troops, things just used to be different. We used to get a Christian name, and if we wanted people to call us something else, we either used initials (like C.F.W. or J.R.) or we got a nickname (like Pete, Buck, or Dumb Ass). Now, the latest rage is to ditch the Christian name for some nonsense, like that baseball player for the Cincinnati Tigers called Oingo Boingo. It's supposed to be some Mexican thing, but I didn't think the "wet backs" were particularly fond of the coloreds. Are we allowed to say "fond" these days? I keep forgetting which words we don't use anymore.

Well, whatever.

I thought it was goofy when this boxer Cassius Clay decided to become Moamar Ahmadinejad. I was always a Smokin' Joe Frazier guy myself - especially since I always pull for the athlete with a nicotine habit.

Another one was this basketball player Louie Alouicious who decided to become Cream of Wheat Bull Jabbadarhut. I never really got the name until Star Wars came out. But my sources tell me it's some kind of Moslem thing. You know, I never knew the Ay-rabs were particularly fond (or whatever word we use these days) of the coloreds either. This is all very confusing.

But I guess a lot of folks is changing their names on account of religion.

The Orthodox do it too. They replace their Christian names with another one when they leave Christianity - just like the Turk. I never realized the Turk was too fond of them either - what with Constantinople becoming Istanbul and all that. But hey, live and let live. This is America, right? There must be a reason the national bird is the turkey. Oh, crap, that's not right. Franklin wanted the turkey, but I guess the Turks threatened to behead him or something.

Nix that, fellas. I'm a little befuddled.

Anyway, the second thing a Lutheran does when he "swims the bra-straps" is get a new name (the first thing he does is become really unpleasant to be around, like your brother-in-law that gets hooked by Amway...). All of a sudden, ordinary old Bill, Joe, and Marge now want to be addressed as Constantine the Chief of Sinners, Ephraim the Eremitical, and Xena the Warrior Goddess. I never really did understand the Greeks, but I do have to admit the food is better than the awful Oktoberfest fare the Kraut Lutherans have got going - I'll give them that. The Grecian has baklava, and the Hun has a boiled potato. The Greeks throw plates and can read the New Testament, the Germans do the chicken dance and can invade Czechoslavakia. And on and on.

But I do wonder if Lutheranism would have a little more sects-appeal if our members got on the Oingo-Boingo/Orthodox bandwagon and picked up "new and improved" names of their own. In fact, I'm surprised the marketing hacks at the Purple Palace(tm) haven't figured that one out yet. Of course, they might be waiting for that fruity Leonard Sweet (or is it that sweety Leonard Fruit?) to tell them to do it along with a bill for 300 grand - then it'd be a friggin' brilliant idea.

Here are some options for the Lutheran name-change:

For men...

Martin Luther
Chemnitz
Preus

Kieschnick (just kidding)

Nagel
Scaer
Veith

Cascione (just kidding)
Gerhardt

Feuerhahn
Justification
Bo Giertz (hammerhead only)
Pieper
Walther (bronzie only)
Johann Sebastian
Weinrich
Piepkorn (hyper euro only)
Teutonicus
Marquart
Voter (bronzie only)
Quenstedt

For women...

Katie Luther
Diakonia (spelled with a k, of course)
Marie Meyer (just kidding)
Felicitous
Germania
Mary (hyper euro only)
Lutherina

Nagella
Sola Fide

Feuerhanna
Voter (feminist bronzette only)
Theology
Concordia Pia
Non Sacramenta (bronzette only)
Phoebe Hall

Feel free to make more suggestions, and help me find out what my "Lutheran name" should be.

The Gospel in the hands of the LCMess

Chinese Scuttlebutt Movie

Well, troops, I'm a movie star among the Yellow Reds.

I was bored and looking for a Lutheran flick at the Blockbuster, and all I could find (other than that goofy new Luther movie in color with Doc Ock playing Kieschnick, I mean, Tetzel) was in the Chinese section. Admittedly, my Mandarin has gotten a little rusty since the railroad workers all got jobs in the nail salons, but I still know enough to get by.

Anyway, I found this little indy flick is called The Rebellion of the Vicars, and it is about the evil District Presidents and the spineless seminary officials who order vicars to violate their consciences. And what do you know? The hero of the movie is named "General Scuttlebutt" - who uses his Kung Fu to lead the vicars in an uprising against the Purple Palace and the corrupted Council of Presidents.

I won't spoil the ending, but let's just say that the Gates of the Council of Presidents does not prevail against the Church. And there are some really good groin shots as well.

I expect Jackie Chank to call me any day looking for a co-star. Hey, at least when I speak English, my mouth matches the words. That doesn't seem like too much to expect when watching a movie in Chinese while sober.

Be sure to start lobbying Lutheran Visuals to carry Rebellion of the Vicars, and make sure those knuckleheads at the vicarage department at the seminaries get a good look at it.

Now egg drop and give me B-50, extra spicy, chop-chop!