New LCMS District, SMP pastor

SNS - Booger Hollow, WV --- The Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod, in line with President Kieschnick's Blue Ribbon Task Force on Synodical Structure and Political Chicanery announces the formation of the new West Virginia District.

The WVD's first and only congregation for the time being is Booger Hollow Community Church, formerly Booger Hollow Lutheran Church. BHCC had a special "Celebration Kickoff and Snake Handling Service" last Sunday that included the installation of recent SMP student Jobash "Joby" Scraggs, (left) with BHCC head elder Grady "Gravy" Grubbs (right).

BHCC is one of the Ablaze!(tm) flagship congregations, and is officially the fastest growing congregation in the district. BHCC features relevant preaching, lively worship, and is actively engaging the culture in a missional context.

"I wanna thank President Kieschnick for coming all the way from Saint Louie in that fancy flyin' machine," said Pastor Joby, "and we sure appreciate him bringing us that cow," he said, either in reference to the Synod's Commission on Worship or the Bovine Missionary Program announced by the Synod's Mission Board last week after a surplus of cattle for the "Udderly Ablaze!(tm) in Africa Initiative" was saturated with donated livestock.

The preacher and celebrant of the special communion service was Elder Gravy, who thanked the pastor for "Lettin' me have a go at preachin'" - which was especially gracious of the pastor considering Gravy's lack of training compared to Rev. Scraggs' extensive education, having taken a grueling seminary correspondence course that required him to actually memorize the first five books of the bible in their canonical order.

Scraggs and Grubbs plan on sharing the preaching and officiating at BHCC, as the new WVD president Honorary Doctor Raynard "June Bug" Fletcher pointed out that, "It ain't like your grand-daddy's church where the preacher had to have all that book-larnen" and where the laity were prohibited from things like consecrating the elements, ordaining pastors, and performing open heart surgery.

"All that Book of Concordance stuff is all fine and dandy for the Ivory Tower and those uppity folk in the County Seat," said Dr. Fletcher, "but all folks in these parts need to know is that Jesus and Jerry are their friends, banjos in church is a good thing, and of course, how to properly suck venom out of a copperhead wound after the 10:30 service."

BHCC is on the cutting edge of the fastest-growing Lutheran churches. The pastor dresses casually, communion is served infrequently, and the church features a large screen at the front - which serves to allow cool air to come in, but to keep the larger flies out.

"We don't use no hymnals, Pastor Joby don't wear none of them girly cathlick robes, and when you get the gift of tongues, we'll baptize you in the crick - as many times as you want. We're big believers in Christian liberty and adiaphora, ain't that right, Pastor?" asked Grubbs, who lost his left arm last year at the church's special Easter Sunrise and Chainsaw Praise and Worship Service.

"Gravy, I couldn't a said it better myself," replied the pastor. "And adiaphora is the first word they taught us at Simp School - and it's even in some foreign language. That's why you're gonna be preachin' for the next month. I'm in the middle of an intensive SMP course right now, and when I get done with it, I'll be able to recite all four Gospels in their cannon ball order, and so I can't be disturbed from my studies."

President Kieschnick made a point to explain how proud he was of both of our "two amazing seminaries" for their "heart-felt participation in the Specific Ministry Program, which is bearing fruits such as this fine Ablaze!(tm) congregation that stands as a witness to the power of thinking outside the box in a postmodern culture in need of the missional mission of the mission of those who are missional."

Pastor Scraggs responded humbly: "I don't know what all you just said, Jerry, but I sure do think it sounded real purty."

Unfortunately, Pastor Scraggs was bitten in the buttocks during the singing of the final hymn. President Kieschnick declined Scragg's offer to suck out the venom, explaining to BHCC that situations like this is why the church has district personnel, and that he was actually urgently needed back at the International Center where his presence at "very important meetings" would save the lost who are dying at a rate of one every five seconds. To underscore the point, President Kieschnick snapped his fingers. There was a hush over the congregation, which was deeply moved by the profound gesture.

It is also worth noting that the BHCC Snake Handling Service is under consideration by the Commission on Worship to be included in future worship materials per the Synod's mandate for more contemporary expressions of worship.

Scuttlebutt News Service, copyright 2008. This report may not be reproduced in any form without without the following disclaimer: "Christ's Church IS my grandfather's Church!"