Lima (Peru, not Wisconsin)

Ah, a few days R&R in Lima.

Look at this church, troops. Unfortunately, I'll only be a spectator at this Mass. Most of the "Lutheran" churches here are run by broads. And yes, I know, all you Gottesdienst types out there: this cathedral loses a point for the "card table" altar, but it does pick the point back up for having the tabernacle. And am I going senile, or was this altar on the cover a few months back?

Wait a minute? What is that? No. It can't be? How the hell did Otten get a stack of Christian News in the narthex?

Men, I need a belt, and it ain't because my dungarees are falling down.

McLame at it again...

You know, troops, I don't like to beat up on McLame. It's kind of like smacking around your little sister. Of course, my little sister joined the WACs and used to beat me at arm wrestling. But you know what I mean.

But one of you knuckleheads sent me to Weedon's Blog where McCain is getting all McCainy on Father Hollyweird accusing him of being me.

I mean, really.

I'm on a cruise ship. Beano blogged about how he took his wife to Applebee's or something for their anniversary. Hollywood is a cheap bastard, and I know I will never run into him on this rig.

But I find it funny that McLame is out there on a "fishing expedition" making all sorts of half-assed accusations about internet anonymoty.

I mean, this is the same guy whose name was not among the 7,000 who stuck their necks out and signed the petition to bring back Issues, Etc. This is a guy with a big mouth, who could have actually helped the cause. But all this guy could come up with in the aftermath, when the entire Lutheran world was ready to nail 95 Bureaucrats to the Church Door, was this mealy-mouthed post that said nothing about the Holy Tuesday Treachery (while conveniently disabling comments). And I thought you had to become a DP to qualify for the spine-removal rite.

When it came to taking a stand for those fellas Shortz and Willikin, McLame was the definition of "anonymous." In fact, he shoulda changed the name of his blog to "SilentBrethren." My parrot had more to say than McCain, and was pretty colorful about it too. But of course, my parrot tends to repeat me.

Like I said, I don't much care what cubicle ministers have to say. I've been around long enough to know the 'crat mentality. Bean doesn't seem to give a crap either (well, that's one thing he's right about anyway). McLame's attitude would change if he got in the trenches. But hey, somebody has to keep an eye on how many Ablaze!(tm) coffee cups Discordia Puberty House is selling. And I think Polly is the right gal for the job.

I thought about posting a comment over there saying: "I am Spartacus" and asking Mickey to get a brain scan. Maybe someone needs to send him into a round room and tell him to pee in the corner. And Swirly is even whining about me. He thinks I rejected him or something, and is pouting about it. Crap, truth be told, I'm just slow on the e-mail. But what is this kid anyway, a teen aged girl?

These fellas are starting to give me the willies. But I'm "feeling good" right now thanks to my buddy Jack, and can't really think of anything witty to say over at Willy Weedon's gig. You guys feel free. E-mail me with any funny comments you might post over there, and I'll give you a medal or something.

Now, do you ladies see why I'm happier at sea?

Life is good...

Well, troops, I know I'm not posting too much these days. Life is too good. This floating "nursing home" is just the thing, and I have to admit, I'm finding it hard to give a flying shi'ite about the LCMS when I'm taking day trips to the Galapagos and watching the sun set with a cool breeze and a cooler beverage.

But then again, the iguanas here are ugly and and have been used to try to sell the theory of evolution - much like the ape-like antics of the LCMS 'crat class. At least the iguanas here only eat vegetation and not one another - unlike the dinosaurs in the Pusilanimous Palace(tm). So I am being reminded of our B.S. (that's "beloved synod" for you knuckleheads).

But I did get a lot of requests to "come on board" and I did enjoy getting fan-mail. Shit, everyone thinks I'm funny, but I gotta tell ya, I about choked on my "George and Jack" just reading the inbox. There are a "few good men" left in the outhouse that has become Missouri.

Oh, and sorry about saying the word "shit" - I know there are ladies present. But given that this is a private club and all, I figure we can loosen our collars and/or ties a bit. Besides, "shit" is in the old King James Bible. Or is it "piss." One of 'em anyway. I'm too comfortable to hoof for my concordance, and my waiter is already off fetching me a frozen margie. And before I get any crap about that, the doc says I need them to keep my sodium count good and high, so back off on the queer jokes. Besides, the secret to a good margarita is like the secret to a good Mass: plenty of "spike" as my friends, the last straight Anglican priests, like to say.

But enough about me, let's hear what you all have to say about me. Here's a sample of some of your comments...

• I love how your blog satirizes all of the political/bureaucratic baloney and "church growth" b.s. in the LCMS. Keep it up!

• Get your rear in gear and quit your moping about. Next thing you know, you'll be demanding that Concordia Health Plan increase your benefits for scotch, cigs, and pills. Guess all us 30-somethings will be signed up for Plan P (as in Piss off!) to pay for your "cruise." Better tell "Vicar Billy" to plan for indentured servitude: either that or enroll in SMP before it's too late. Now do your duty and sound off like you still have a pair! Winsomely yours and blessings,

• Fred just went "Tango Uniform." Now you to? How am I too keep my sanity? Whoever you really are, I enjoy the blog. I love the irreverent humor and non-political correctness. I am considering becoming a teacher in the LCMess and your blog gives me incite regarding how the pencil pushers and 'crats make things work. I need this stuff to know how to piss them off and get their undies in a bundle when I take the helm. Consider the blog as your way to train this irreverent, ornery, Lutheran Convert young man for your post-humerous revendge against the ministerium of the LCMS. At any rate, thanks for all of your posts. I am no doubt a different person for having read them. Seriously. You tought me that Lutherans don't have to be nice. Growing up in evangelicalism and Calvinism, I was tought always to be nice, never to judge- only to pray that Jesus would make the other person see the light. You have corrupted my young mind and sickened my sense of humor. This is a God thing ("sin boldly.")

• Sir, it would be a shame to let your blog go "Tango Uniform". As a retired military man and "old school" LCMSer myself, I get a refreshing boost of humor when reading your blog. If your current health issues preclude this, then I thank you for your service, ask you to check-in to your nearest VA cemetary, and let your grandson take over the blog.

• Please do not stop posting. I really enjoy your website. So few people in the LCMS are willing to tell the truth, and so many confessionals want to be virtuous lots more than they want to succeed (or is that secede?) in the Synod. Many thanks for all you have written so far, and I would like to encourage you to continue with your work. With this Obamanation thing happening to all of us for the next four-eight years, I'm going to need some laughs.

• I'm not exactly sure how I found your blog site. But may I say that I have never laughed so hard since eighth grade music class sitting next to the two class clowns. I used to come out of that last hour with an aching gut, just like when I'm reading your site. I'm also an LCMS guy whose been in the shooting wars. Really, your stuff is quite good! And I've passed your link and URL on to others.

• I don't mean any disrespect, but leave is over. Get back to work soldier...uh...Genreal, sir.

• General: This old squid enjoys your blog and I hope you keep it going. And don't get rid of your 74 Matador or give it to any Vicars. I had a 79 AMC Spirit for 10 years - and sorry I got rid of it.

• Ok Vicar Billy. Where did you put the General Scuttlebutt blog? Can’t say that I always understood what the old man was saying, but he sure did say it in an entertaining way.
  

• by all means pops, keep the blog rolling! it is a great chance to light up a cigar, drink some gin, and soil myself from laughing sohard. i'm depends-ing on you!

• You won £750,000. Please acknowledge the receipt of this mail with the details below toMr.Micchael Williams

[Now that's more like it troops - CFWS]

• Please don't stop. I am house bound and the best blogs are my life line. Yours is at the top of the list.

• I meet the requirements, I'm not any of these; synodocrats, wieners, whiners, pietists, or other pond scum. (although hot dogs are my favorite food...your call)I'm just a new Lutheran who finds you and my Pastor seem to have the same sense of humor.But I'm not doing push-ups...old fat guys are better at beer and cigarettes.

• Please add me to your list! I am certainly none of these (synodocrats, wieners, whiners, pietists, or other pond scum). I miss reading your stuff while sipping on bourbon. Thanks to you I have learned not to spit it out on my screen while laughing.
• Please do continue your commentaries. Lutherquest can be hard enough to read without thinking about the good Vicar huffing Toluene while doing so. I would be honored to be included should you decide to dole out access.
• I enjoyed your honest and crass approach to the "happenings" (read: heterodoxy and bull-crap) in our sinking ship Missouri.
• Hey, you old coot! Is all the shrapnel in your padded posterior from those exploding beer cans causing you to get feeble in you old age?

Damn, you people sure are rough on the elderly. Cripes, who the hell am I going to invite when I turn the big One Zero Zero? And just because I've been around a while, don't assume I'm using Depends, Viagra, or the Concordia Pulpit Resources. I may be old, but I'm not feeble. I can still kick your ass, and would, if the bar would stop spinning.

And at least we can still smoke in international waters. You "high church" types would love how I pack my thurible with crushed up Cohibas. I know Jesus smokes Cubans, because so many of them are named after Him. But that's another rant for another day.

A View with a Room

Well, troops, I thought I was going to be able to retire like my cousin Fred, but it looks like that ain't going to happen. That mouth breathing grandkid of mine had to give out my e-mail address, and so it looks like I'm going to keep blogging.

Don't you ding-dongs have anything better to do than read my drunken ramblings?

But no more news from the Blessed Reformer. Damnedest thing. The district revoked my call, claiming that they couldn't pay for a chaplain and a cathouse full of useless bureaucrats at the same time. So given the choice between preaching and pencil pushing, they opted for the latter.

They changed the locks of our digs at BR, and out we went. I was just on my way to hurt someone, but Blanche was laughing. I shot her a WTF look, and the old broad whipped out a power ball ticket with all the right numbers. Next thing you know, ol Jed's a millionaire. You know, that'll change your whole damned perspective.

So, we bought us a cabin on this ship, and never looked back. Of course, the DiP has already started sending me beg letters now that I'm loaded - in more ways than one. I sent him a sketch of an anatomically correct middle finger I drew on a cocktail napkin. I guess I won't be getting the usual form letter on my birthday from the dick-strick office. Boo hoo.

Meanwhile, this is living, troops.

And, as a bonus, I've returned to chaplaincy. They had an Episcopalian broad that had chapel services on the boat - until I showed up, that is. I had her crying within thirty minutes, out the door in forty-five, and resigning and off the boat in two weeks. Have I still got it, or what? I got rid of her even faster than I sent the "diversity trainer" at the retirement home packing. I was a hero at the Blessed Ref after that (which explains why I never had to pay for Chink food thereafter), and I still have the guy's pony tail hanging on the wall as a trophy.

But anyway, here on the ship, I'm the sheriff in town. The cow even left behind some damn fine vestments, which I promptly had taken in to fit me (have you ever seen an Episcopalian priestess that went for less than 300 pounds?). So, I'm a sort-of worker priest, I guess. I don't have a call through the LCMess, and so the synod can bite me. But I do all the usual clergy stuff - say Mass, hear confessions, drink, and bitch about the state of the church and world - only I get to do it in style. I'm still looking to get a Judo club started, but these things just take time.

We're now near the Panama Canal, and headed to Ecuador. My Spanish is rusty, but I have plenty of time to practice in between suffering for the sake of the gospel over margaritas.

Anyway, I did hear about the dustup over the Issues, Etc. trademark. I admit, it's a little hard to give a flying eff you see you know what about the deal from out here, but I'm glad that kid Todd Wickers stuck to his guns. He asked me to do the show with him some time, but I told him it's against my religion to be sober while on the radio, and they don't have a ten second delay.

But don't get me wrong, men, I do feel sorry for you poor bastards who are still stuck in the Synod. I guess technically I still am, but no-one is going to screw with me at sea. Of course, you seminarians and other youngsters need to keep firmly in mind that when dealing with your DiP, do not bend over for soap. Anyhoo, I will comment from time to time, and if any of my retarded readers have anything of interest, send it to me at generalscuttlebutt@gmail.com. I don't want to spend too much time at the computer - after all, it is Lent. The shrimp bar is calling my name (good thing crustaceans don't count for meat). But I would be lying if I said I'm not enjoying my new altar and pulpit. And for you closed communion types, don't worry. I only commune my fellow miserable LCMess types. And they're easy to pick out - they're the ones in the congregation who don't cross themselves, that us, until I "drop" them for twenty and make them read Gottesdienst. They'll learn.

Buenos nachos, and AMF!