Scuttlebutt in the News

Soft drinks?

My idiot doctor has told me to cut back on the hootch and smokes. He's afraid it might "shorten my life." Ya know, if I have to explain it, it ain't worth slurring the words at him. Besides, my Urdu is a little rusty, particularly after a pre-medical-exam bender.

Anyway, he suggests I take up "soft drinks" - which he explains is the stuff I normally mix with the sauce just for the bubbles. I laughed. I thought he was cracking a sick joke. That's like eating uncooked cookie dough - which I come to find is in some of the newfangled ice cream flavors.

But the doc further suggests I drink Diet Coke - since he's concerned about my "blood sugar level" - as if that makes any difference. It's not like I'm going to bleed in the wife's cake batter. But anyway, I don't feel like arguing, so I tried some of that Diet Coke, and it tasted like I was kissing aluminum siding. After smoking a Camel to get the taste out of the pie hole, I did some research.

Much to my surprise, I found that they make a kind of Diet Coke I can live (or die) with. This one has bacon in it. And it ain't bad. But don't tell my doc that I glubbed some rum in there, and it tastes like one of those crazy Jimmy Buffet cheeseburgers.

Having gotten my "blood alcohol level" back up to snuff, I was able to clear my head and mix some beef and cheese in with the Rum and Bacon Coke. I call it a liquid lunch, and a win-win for my next visit to the fella with the rubber glove. I'm sure he'll be pleased to see my aluminum levels on the rise. That's gotta be good for ya, and anything I can do to raise my health level I'm all for - since it frees me up to do more of the stuff they don't want me to do.

But for some reason, the Urdu dictionary doesn't seem to have an entry for "bacon." Now, that's weird.

Dear Scuttle...

Dear Scuttle:

I read this letter to an advice column in my local rag. What Would Scuttlebutt Do?

Curious in Minnesota


Dear Curious:

First of all, this Amy is an idiot, a top-shelf air head. And before the knee-jerk bronzies start screaming "eighth commandment!" - that is the best construction. I could have said frigging idiot, but I refrained. I'm being a good Lutheran about the whole thing.

Had "Miss Unsure" written to me, here's what I would have said:


Dear Unsure:

Let me get you a Kleenex so you can have a good cry... not! You, madam, are a doormat. And if you think "Dennis" isn't spreading more DNA around town than Johnny Appleseed, you are a stupid doormat. It's time to grow a spine and tell lover boy to get bent.

You should put it this way: "Dennis, you are a lying and conniving sack of excrement. You are a waste of time, and I am in no way 'uncomfortable' about you sharing a room with your whore. In fact, I hope the slut gives you so many crabs that Red Lobster will be calling you to supply them with seafood for the next three years. Now get the hell out of my house before I go 'Lorena Bobbitt' all over your sorry two-bit loser ass."

How's that? I'm getting so sensitive in my dotage...

Hugs,

Scuttle

ELCA "tough guy" pastors

Now girls, I'm no fan of the ELCA. Nor am I a big fan of the clergy wearing blue jeans and tank tops and showing off tattoos on their arms (unless, of course, the tats are blue, blurry, primitive, and reflective of military themes).

But I have got to hand it to the Elkies with this fella - that's a right manly looking clergy person.

Now, I don't approve of the long hair (at least he does sport the "mullet" look with the "business" in the front and the "party" relegated to the back), but if that's what the kids are doing these days, what the hell can I do about it?

Nor do I approve of ear rings on men. But then again, for all I know, this fella was in the Navy or the Marines and had to do it as part of crossing the equator. Obviously, this brute is some kind of military type, so I'm gonna cut him some slack here. I figure if you're willing to shoot at Japs, Gooks, and Krauts in the name of America, we can just put up with a few fashion quirks here and there.

But look at the "gun show" on this fella's arms! Troops, this is just what we need in the LCMS ministerium. Damn it, if there's one thing that kid Aldo Wingfield has right is that our men need to have biceps. Cripes, what goof in the congregation would try to jack around with this bruiser?

The harsh reality is this: too many of our pastors look like broads - complete with "man boobs." Fellas, sharpen up! Hit the bench press and start working those "guns." If more of our guys looked like this fella, we could start re-masculinizing the church again.

Now drop and give me fifty!

Jesus wept...

It's no wonder Jesus was accused of being a drunk. When I finally check out of Blessed Reformer Retirement Home (feet first and in a box), the first thing I'm gonna do is buy my Lordensavior(tm) a "Scuttlebutt Twenty-One," which is my customized version of the Seven and Seven: triple the Seagram's 7 and nix the Seven Up. I figure if there's anything God could use about now it would be a stiff drink.

And troops, if you read the fine print in this little video presentation, you'll even see that L.S.B. "Ringo" Starke himself, Court Musician of the Violet Vatican(tm) has endorsed this hippy-dippy abortion of the Te Deum Laudamus. I figure a better name is The Damn Trainwreckus.

Ambrose of Milan just called. He wants his grandfather's church (not to mention the Te Deum) back. Yeah, good luck, buddy.

You know, some days it just ain't worth taking the shot glasses off the priedieu.

Eracism and Hyper Euros

I saw a punk yesterday with a bumper sticker that said ERACISM. When I asked him about it, he gave me the finger and invited me to make Seven Up mine, in so many words. But that last thing he said, "Old Man!" really burned my you-know-what. Well, I hear the little twerp will be getting out of ICU later this week, and the nerve damage isn't permanent. Just the same, I won't be sending flowers...

Look, if a guy wants to be a racist, it's really none of my business. But I figure he oughtta have the stoneware to be one in the real world instead of on the internet. Don't get me wrong, I like my e-mail, but if a guy wants to be an e-racist, it just seems a little cowardly.

And while on this topic of racism, what's Otten and Cascione's problem with white people?

I do believe your average issue of Crispy News has more racial slurs ("Hyper Euro") than the LCMS Distorter has Ablaze!(tm)s and Kieschnick has pinky-rings. Uh, pardon me for stating the frigging obvious, but Otten is a Kraut and Cascione is a Dago. I know these boys aren't the brightest bulbs, but I would think both of them would realize that they are, uh, "Euros." Especially Otten, cripes, the guy looks like he stepped out of a Panzer tank! And Cascione? The first time I saw the kids playing the Mario Brothers, I thought Jack was getting royalties!

Now, I do have to admit something embarrassing, troops. I was in the dark that Herm and the Jack Cass were referring to "people" when they used the term "Euro." I thought they meant the money. Hell, I keep trying to get Discordia to disburse the retirement checks in Euros instead of Missouri Monopoly money. I was just about to launch a tirade against this mindless whoring after American dollars, until I realized I was barking up the wrong pimp. Boy, I'd a looked as much like an idiot as Herman did after derailing Dino Wenthe's election as synodical president (and I do hope Jerruh and Terruh send a thank you card to Herman every year...).

So, a "Hyper Euro" is not a European coin that performs better than the dollar, but rather a white pastor who wears a chasuble. Look, idiots, I wear a chasuble. Don't start causing me grief about it. It covers up the beer gut, you nimrods! There is nothing more disgusting than seeing a "muffin top" oozing over the strained fibers of the cincture, while a two-foot wide red stole made of shag carpet screams: "Hey look at me, I'm a fat-ass!" (I'm thinking about those rare occasions when you can get a district president out of a suit and tie...).

I find the chasuble to be flattering. Oh, and it makes church look like church and not an Amway sales and intimidation meeting. Of course, Herman would just plain look ridiculous wearing one over a black choir robe, and Cascione, well, let's face it, he looks ridiculous no matter what he wears - especially when he's turning the crank on the little music box and the end of Guiseppe's leash.

But what I want to know is this: Is Bishop Walter "Not Irish" O'Bare a "Hyper Afro"? And if so, how do you explain the man's closely cropped hair?

I have a new word for German Herman and Guinea Jack: "Hyper Idiots." They need a bumper sticker that says: ESTUPIDITY.