Truckin' LCMS-style

Oingo Boingo and the Name Game

You know troops, things just used to be different. We used to get a Christian name, and if we wanted people to call us something else, we either used initials (like C.F.W. or J.R.) or we got a nickname (like Pete, Buck, or Dumb Ass). Now, the latest rage is to ditch the Christian name for some nonsense, like that baseball player for the Cincinnati Tigers called Oingo Boingo. It's supposed to be some Mexican thing, but I didn't think the "wet backs" were particularly fond of the coloreds. Are we allowed to say "fond" these days? I keep forgetting which words we don't use anymore.

Well, whatever.

I thought it was goofy when this boxer Cassius Clay decided to become Moamar Ahmadinejad. I was always a Smokin' Joe Frazier guy myself - especially since I always pull for the athlete with a nicotine habit.

Another one was this basketball player Louie Alouicious who decided to become Cream of Wheat Bull Jabbadarhut. I never really got the name until Star Wars came out. But my sources tell me it's some kind of Moslem thing. You know, I never knew the Ay-rabs were particularly fond (or whatever word we use these days) of the coloreds either. This is all very confusing.

But I guess a lot of folks is changing their names on account of religion.

The Orthodox do it too. They replace their Christian names with another one when they leave Christianity - just like the Turk. I never realized the Turk was too fond of them either - what with Constantinople becoming Istanbul and all that. But hey, live and let live. This is America, right? There must be a reason the national bird is the turkey. Oh, crap, that's not right. Franklin wanted the turkey, but I guess the Turks threatened to behead him or something.

Nix that, fellas. I'm a little befuddled.

Anyway, the second thing a Lutheran does when he "swims the bra-straps" is get a new name (the first thing he does is become really unpleasant to be around, like your brother-in-law that gets hooked by Amway...). All of a sudden, ordinary old Bill, Joe, and Marge now want to be addressed as Constantine the Chief of Sinners, Ephraim the Eremitical, and Xena the Warrior Goddess. I never really did understand the Greeks, but I do have to admit the food is better than the awful Oktoberfest fare the Kraut Lutherans have got going - I'll give them that. The Grecian has baklava, and the Hun has a boiled potato. The Greeks throw plates and can read the New Testament, the Germans do the chicken dance and can invade Czechoslavakia. And on and on.

But I do wonder if Lutheranism would have a little more sects-appeal if our members got on the Oingo-Boingo/Orthodox bandwagon and picked up "new and improved" names of their own. In fact, I'm surprised the marketing hacks at the Purple Palace(tm) haven't figured that one out yet. Of course, they might be waiting for that fruity Leonard Sweet (or is it that sweety Leonard Fruit?) to tell them to do it along with a bill for 300 grand - then it'd be a friggin' brilliant idea.

Here are some options for the Lutheran name-change:

For men...

Martin Luther
Chemnitz
Preus

Kieschnick (just kidding)

Nagel
Scaer
Veith

Cascione (just kidding)
Gerhardt

Feuerhahn
Justification
Bo Giertz (hammerhead only)
Pieper
Walther (bronzie only)
Johann Sebastian
Weinrich
Piepkorn (hyper euro only)
Teutonicus
Marquart
Voter (bronzie only)
Quenstedt

For women...

Katie Luther
Diakonia (spelled with a k, of course)
Marie Meyer (just kidding)
Felicitous
Germania
Mary (hyper euro only)
Lutherina

Nagella
Sola Fide

Feuerhanna
Voter (feminist bronzette only)
Theology
Concordia Pia
Non Sacramenta (bronzette only)
Phoebe Hall

Feel free to make more suggestions, and help me find out what my "Lutheran name" should be.

The Gospel in the hands of the LCMess

Chinese Scuttlebutt Movie

Well, troops, I'm a movie star among the Yellow Reds.

I was bored and looking for a Lutheran flick at the Blockbuster, and all I could find (other than that goofy new Luther movie in color with Doc Ock playing Kieschnick, I mean, Tetzel) was in the Chinese section. Admittedly, my Mandarin has gotten a little rusty since the railroad workers all got jobs in the nail salons, but I still know enough to get by.

Anyway, I found this little indy flick is called The Rebellion of the Vicars, and it is about the evil District Presidents and the spineless seminary officials who order vicars to violate their consciences. And what do you know? The hero of the movie is named "General Scuttlebutt" - who uses his Kung Fu to lead the vicars in an uprising against the Purple Palace and the corrupted Council of Presidents.

I won't spoil the ending, but let's just say that the Gates of the Council of Presidents does not prevail against the Church. And there are some really good groin shots as well.

I expect Jackie Chank to call me any day looking for a co-star. Hey, at least when I speak English, my mouth matches the words. That doesn't seem like too much to expect when watching a movie in Chinese while sober.

Be sure to start lobbying Lutheran Visuals to carry Rebellion of the Vicars, and make sure those knuckleheads at the vicarage department at the seminaries get a good look at it.

Now egg drop and give me B-50, extra spicy, chop-chop!

Ablaze!(tm)krieg Update

Well, troops, the last time we saw this kind of consolidation of power in the hands of a few, we gave away the Sudetenland and hoped for the best.

I guess Our Leader is taking that "Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Synod" stuff pretty seriously (and I thought all this time it was just to sell copies of "Lutheran Witness" to the WW2 collector set). Anyway, here is the scoop from the Bros.

Not to be outdone, men, I have my own spies in attendance at this power-grab. Now, knowing these guys, you might want to take these reports like a margarita or a plate of greasy fries - with lots of salt. But then again, knowing who is at the helm of this Titanic Synod, not to mention the cadre of the once-washed up "old line" lefties that's sniffing at his behind, nothing would surprise me. Anyway, here's my intelligence from the Russian Front...

No more decision-making in the Synod unless Jerruh gives a "yee haw" and a thumbs up. All Scriptures and Confessions merely advisory. All overpaid pencil-pushing yes men report to The LCMS President-for-Life!(tm), who would also hire them, and pay them out of the "widow's mite" fund. All glory, laud, and honor concentrate in hand of Synod president, who would now be elected to sixty year terms. God not permitted any unilateral decisions without agreement from Synod prez. Jesus to be granted provisional membership in synod, but must agree to "ecclesiastical supervision" by the District President in which His congregational membership resides.

Delegate representation slashed to only less than 7 delegates at a convention. And, as is typically the case, they are to be drunk at all times, and loyal to the Glorious Leader.

Congregations get two delegates for every 75,000 members they have. "Get missional, or GTFO."

Either 100,000 districts, or only 1 district. Either smaller districts, or much larger. Whatever is easier to manipulate.

More political activities than ever before, since all voting delegates would be elected at district conventions, not at the circuit meetings. Democratic Party to supply superdelegates. Hillary to be given a roll call and a keynote speech at convention.

Overtures no longer coming directly from congregations, but only through district convention (effective way to kill unwelcome overtures!). Overtures must begin with the word "Ablaze!(tm)" and prominantly feature the comically oversized and intricate signature of the Grand Poobah of Synod (and people thought John Hancock was "compensating"). Since this is no longer your grandfather's church, your grandfather is to be exhumed and re-interred in whatever is his church. Batteries not included.

Doctrinal resolutions changing anything in the Bible require a 2/3 vote within the Kieschnick family [not bad right now, for this would probably block Herman Otten's beatification], but if they change delegate representation on the basis of the new way of electing delegates: it’s all over!!!

Bylaws can be adopted, that negate anything else, by a simple District President [is there any other kind?].

Also, a few miscellaneous restructuring matters: the official synodical hymn will be "Kieschnick, Kieschnick Uber Alles" sung to LSB 648. Leonard Sweet is to be named the official Magic 8-Ball of synod - though Rev. Scuttlebutt is petitioning to have that position renamed as "no-ball." In related news, Kari Jobe will be permitted to colloquize into the SiMPle Pastor Program, but only as a "Song Leader" pending gender reassignment surgey - although the Different Voices gals claim they were in line first.

Finally, the name "Lutheran" is to be removed from the Purple Palace for "business and programmatic reasons."

Keep your powder dry, troops, but not your counties. We're gonna need to be liquored up for this joyride. Grab a pitchfork and get ready to go after the Japs, or whoever we're fighting these days.

Some old pictures

I've been going through some old boxes looking for crap to throw away - you know, like congealed tubes of denture cream, used snot rags from the early fifties, my collection of Lutheran Witness (which I really don't know why I've been hanging onto), and this little gadget I confiscated from one of the brats who was here at the home talking too loud in the hallways. It's called a "black berry" - but it looks more like a little TV with a lot of buttons. And boy, she didn't want to give it up either. I had to take out both the thirteen year old and her mom before I could get them to surrender the thing. Good thing I had the ball bat handy. I'm getting too old for the Chuck Morris heroics.

Well, all that garbage is going right where it belongs - in the garbage. I don't believe in that recycling crap either. When every friggin' global warming meeting is called on account of snow, I figure they're pulling my chain. If you don't like the hot weather, move! At my age the only "conservation" I'm interested in, is conserving my pension from the money-grubbing bureaucrats who want to keep the Palace in the Purple.

But I digest.

I did find some old photos, though, and this oriental kid I do judo with every Thursday tells me he can run my snapshots through a "scanner." Hey, I have no idea what he's talking about, but you know how they are. I'll say one thing for the yellows, they are smart people. They figured out how to keep outsiders out - you build a big wall! I keep waiting for the big light bulb over Texas and California to light up. Maybe watching the Olympics will inspire them. "You build a big wall!" Some day we'll catch on - problem is, by the time we do, the instructions will all be in Mexican - but at least we'll have some laborers willing to build the damn thing. Paging Alannis Morrisette. Now, what was I saying?

Anyhoo, Hong Kong Whatsisname e-mails me a couple pictures he scanned in for me. I might just have to let him win next time.

And what do you know, my old seminary picture! I put it up top. And I gotta say, aside from losing some hair and gaining some "spare tire" - I pretty much look the same. Where did we get hair grease in those days? Hell, now I get all my lube in a little blue and yellow aerosol can, but if I sprayed that crap on my head, the Mrs. would have me sleeping in the duck pond.

I'll try to get my little jaundiced friend to do some more for me - if I can tear him away from the TV watching China beat the crap out of everybody in the Olympics. More than once I had to wipe that sneaky little smile off his face. But the good news is this: he doesn't like the Japs any more than I do. Go figure.

But now look at this guy down at the bottom of this page. At first I thought he was some kind of disco dancer or something, like that kid John Revolta. But I know I've seen that mug someplace. I think this is also an old seminary picture, but I just can't place the guy. Maybe some of you people wasting your time reading this can make yourselves useful and fill me in. Better yet, get back to work.

Anyway, whoever this fella is, he gives me the willies.

Presidential Politics

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

People keep asking me who I'm going to vote for. Troops, this election is not worth losing any beer over. On the one hand, there is this McCain fella. I got nothing against this kid, but you know, a guy who works for CPH and spends all his time reading blogs just ain't presidential material in my book. Not that most of these political types do much more, but at least let's have the illusion that some of them are actually doing something other than surfing the net and selling bobble heads. This McCain is a dud - and I don't care that he's a Lutheran.

And then there's this Barry Bonds fella. It's bad enough that he's a Democrat, but I'll be damned if I vote for a guy who has an asterisk by his name because he had to smoke the funny cigarettes on the baseball diamond. Cripes, that's what the dug out is for. At least he could have chewed some tobacco and snuck a few hits on the hip flask (like me at church conventions).

I'm not voting for either one of these chuckle heads. But now this Hilton gal, you know, she's got some good ideas. She seems intelligent (did you notice that she was reading - how long has it been since we have had a president capable of doing that?), and also has the benefit of knowing how to run a hotel. I suspect she has seen her share of them - at least the ceiling tiles.

I know a lot of you folks think I'm too "old school" to vote for a broad. Well, it goes to show what you know. When I get my letter from the White House for when I turn a hundred, I'd rather have it from someone with a few brain cells in their head - unlike the two stooges we got running now: Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber.

Scuttlebutt in the News

Soft drinks?

My idiot doctor has told me to cut back on the hootch and smokes. He's afraid it might "shorten my life." Ya know, if I have to explain it, it ain't worth slurring the words at him. Besides, my Urdu is a little rusty, particularly after a pre-medical-exam bender.

Anyway, he suggests I take up "soft drinks" - which he explains is the stuff I normally mix with the sauce just for the bubbles. I laughed. I thought he was cracking a sick joke. That's like eating uncooked cookie dough - which I come to find is in some of the newfangled ice cream flavors.

But the doc further suggests I drink Diet Coke - since he's concerned about my "blood sugar level" - as if that makes any difference. It's not like I'm going to bleed in the wife's cake batter. But anyway, I don't feel like arguing, so I tried some of that Diet Coke, and it tasted like I was kissing aluminum siding. After smoking a Camel to get the taste out of the pie hole, I did some research.

Much to my surprise, I found that they make a kind of Diet Coke I can live (or die) with. This one has bacon in it. And it ain't bad. But don't tell my doc that I glubbed some rum in there, and it tastes like one of those crazy Jimmy Buffet cheeseburgers.

Having gotten my "blood alcohol level" back up to snuff, I was able to clear my head and mix some beef and cheese in with the Rum and Bacon Coke. I call it a liquid lunch, and a win-win for my next visit to the fella with the rubber glove. I'm sure he'll be pleased to see my aluminum levels on the rise. That's gotta be good for ya, and anything I can do to raise my health level I'm all for - since it frees me up to do more of the stuff they don't want me to do.

But for some reason, the Urdu dictionary doesn't seem to have an entry for "bacon." Now, that's weird.

Dear Scuttle...

Dear Scuttle:

I read this letter to an advice column in my local rag. What Would Scuttlebutt Do?

Curious in Minnesota


Dear Curious:

First of all, this Amy is an idiot, a top-shelf air head. And before the knee-jerk bronzies start screaming "eighth commandment!" - that is the best construction. I could have said frigging idiot, but I refrained. I'm being a good Lutheran about the whole thing.

Had "Miss Unsure" written to me, here's what I would have said:


Dear Unsure:

Let me get you a Kleenex so you can have a good cry... not! You, madam, are a doormat. And if you think "Dennis" isn't spreading more DNA around town than Johnny Appleseed, you are a stupid doormat. It's time to grow a spine and tell lover boy to get bent.

You should put it this way: "Dennis, you are a lying and conniving sack of excrement. You are a waste of time, and I am in no way 'uncomfortable' about you sharing a room with your whore. In fact, I hope the slut gives you so many crabs that Red Lobster will be calling you to supply them with seafood for the next three years. Now get the hell out of my house before I go 'Lorena Bobbitt' all over your sorry two-bit loser ass."

How's that? I'm getting so sensitive in my dotage...

Hugs,

Scuttle

ELCA "tough guy" pastors

Now girls, I'm no fan of the ELCA. Nor am I a big fan of the clergy wearing blue jeans and tank tops and showing off tattoos on their arms (unless, of course, the tats are blue, blurry, primitive, and reflective of military themes).

But I have got to hand it to the Elkies with this fella - that's a right manly looking clergy person.

Now, I don't approve of the long hair (at least he does sport the "mullet" look with the "business" in the front and the "party" relegated to the back), but if that's what the kids are doing these days, what the hell can I do about it?

Nor do I approve of ear rings on men. But then again, for all I know, this fella was in the Navy or the Marines and had to do it as part of crossing the equator. Obviously, this brute is some kind of military type, so I'm gonna cut him some slack here. I figure if you're willing to shoot at Japs, Gooks, and Krauts in the name of America, we can just put up with a few fashion quirks here and there.

But look at the "gun show" on this fella's arms! Troops, this is just what we need in the LCMS ministerium. Damn it, if there's one thing that kid Aldo Wingfield has right is that our men need to have biceps. Cripes, what goof in the congregation would try to jack around with this bruiser?

The harsh reality is this: too many of our pastors look like broads - complete with "man boobs." Fellas, sharpen up! Hit the bench press and start working those "guns." If more of our guys looked like this fella, we could start re-masculinizing the church again.

Now drop and give me fifty!

Jesus wept...

It's no wonder Jesus was accused of being a drunk. When I finally check out of Blessed Reformer Retirement Home (feet first and in a box), the first thing I'm gonna do is buy my Lordensavior(tm) a "Scuttlebutt Twenty-One," which is my customized version of the Seven and Seven: triple the Seagram's 7 and nix the Seven Up. I figure if there's anything God could use about now it would be a stiff drink.

And troops, if you read the fine print in this little video presentation, you'll even see that L.S.B. "Ringo" Starke himself, Court Musician of the Violet Vatican(tm) has endorsed this hippy-dippy abortion of the Te Deum Laudamus. I figure a better name is The Damn Trainwreckus.

Ambrose of Milan just called. He wants his grandfather's church (not to mention the Te Deum) back. Yeah, good luck, buddy.

You know, some days it just ain't worth taking the shot glasses off the priedieu.

Eracism and Hyper Euros

I saw a punk yesterday with a bumper sticker that said ERACISM. When I asked him about it, he gave me the finger and invited me to make Seven Up mine, in so many words. But that last thing he said, "Old Man!" really burned my you-know-what. Well, I hear the little twerp will be getting out of ICU later this week, and the nerve damage isn't permanent. Just the same, I won't be sending flowers...

Look, if a guy wants to be a racist, it's really none of my business. But I figure he oughtta have the stoneware to be one in the real world instead of on the internet. Don't get me wrong, I like my e-mail, but if a guy wants to be an e-racist, it just seems a little cowardly.

And while on this topic of racism, what's Otten and Cascione's problem with white people?

I do believe your average issue of Crispy News has more racial slurs ("Hyper Euro") than the LCMS Distorter has Ablaze!(tm)s and Kieschnick has pinky-rings. Uh, pardon me for stating the frigging obvious, but Otten is a Kraut and Cascione is a Dago. I know these boys aren't the brightest bulbs, but I would think both of them would realize that they are, uh, "Euros." Especially Otten, cripes, the guy looks like he stepped out of a Panzer tank! And Cascione? The first time I saw the kids playing the Mario Brothers, I thought Jack was getting royalties!

Now, I do have to admit something embarrassing, troops. I was in the dark that Herm and the Jack Cass were referring to "people" when they used the term "Euro." I thought they meant the money. Hell, I keep trying to get Discordia to disburse the retirement checks in Euros instead of Missouri Monopoly money. I was just about to launch a tirade against this mindless whoring after American dollars, until I realized I was barking up the wrong pimp. Boy, I'd a looked as much like an idiot as Herman did after derailing Dino Wenthe's election as synodical president (and I do hope Jerruh and Terruh send a thank you card to Herman every year...).

So, a "Hyper Euro" is not a European coin that performs better than the dollar, but rather a white pastor who wears a chasuble. Look, idiots, I wear a chasuble. Don't start causing me grief about it. It covers up the beer gut, you nimrods! There is nothing more disgusting than seeing a "muffin top" oozing over the strained fibers of the cincture, while a two-foot wide red stole made of shag carpet screams: "Hey look at me, I'm a fat-ass!" (I'm thinking about those rare occasions when you can get a district president out of a suit and tie...).

I find the chasuble to be flattering. Oh, and it makes church look like church and not an Amway sales and intimidation meeting. Of course, Herman would just plain look ridiculous wearing one over a black choir robe, and Cascione, well, let's face it, he looks ridiculous no matter what he wears - especially when he's turning the crank on the little music box and the end of Guiseppe's leash.

But what I want to know is this: Is Bishop Walter "Not Irish" O'Bare a "Hyper Afro"? And if so, how do you explain the man's closely cropped hair?

I have a new word for German Herman and Guinea Jack: "Hyper Idiots." They need a bumper sticker that says: ESTUPIDITY.

New Synods Forming?

St. Louis (SNS) --- A new alignment of conservative American Lutherans is taking shape.

Outraged by pastors leaving the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod (LCMS), otherwise known as the True Visible Church On Earth!(tm), for other denominations, a highly placed clergyperson of the biblically-based midwestern denomination has allegedly taken the decisive step to break away from the 2.5 million member church founded in 1848 by a Lutheran minister named Chuck Walters.

Rev. Paul McCain, a well-respected minister of the denomination and executive at the denomination's publishing company, has had enough.

"Pastor after pastor has left the LCMS to become papists and garlic-breath incense swingers - and the synod isn't doing one darn thing!" McCain railed, a vein visibly bulging over his left temple. When asked what synodical officials should do to pastors who have left their control, McCain stammered, "Well, I don't know. Maybe they should be excommunicated or something." When told that such people are no longer in communion with the LCMS upon their departure, McCain relaxed a bit and said: "Well, I'm glad somebody is finally doing something about it."

And McCain is finally doing something about it himself.

In response to a plethora of "hyper-ritualists" in the LCMS, men who care more about wearing lacy vestments and keeping their fingers out of their noses while officiating at the altar than they do lending support to his company's sales of bobble head dolls and socks with the symbol of the Lutheran Church sewn on them, McCain has taken the drastic step of severing his ties. Literally. The necktie that is his clerical trademark has been rent in twain.

"Here I snip!" the well-known minister said, as he gravely clipped his crevatte. "And," he added dramatically, pulling out a "holy card" of Pope Benedict XVI, "I'm also a Sinead O'Connor fan!", slicing the picture of the Roman pontiff in half. "And in the words of Stryper" he continued, "to hell with the devil! Here I stand! Here I stand!"

SNS researchers are currently trying to identify "Stryper" as well as the apocryphal quotation attributed to him.

McCain has severed his ties with the LCMS, and declared a New True Visible Church on Earth!(tm), known as the Lutheran Church - McCain Synod (LCMcS). President McCain, who added: "You people need to get used to the sound of that," is currently the church's only member and lone clergyman. "I have finally found a way for the church to have complete doctrinal agreement, and to be right on every matter. It's wholly my way, or the holy highway!"

The new denomination is currently listed as the 16,243rd largest denomination in the United States, and is, in fact, the second largest Lutheran denomination headquartered in St. Louis.

For McCain, many of the problems besetting the LCMS have been solved, such as, closed communion. Although McCain does have one major glitch: the church does not currently have any communion services at all, since the confessions of the Lutheran Church forbid "private Masses." And since President McCain is the lone member of the denomination, he is unable to take holy communion with himself, his complete doctrinal agreement with himself notwithstanding.

The LCMcS does, however, have an aggressive evangelism and outreach program that is expected to quickly double the size of the church. "We're reaching out to other disaffected Lutherans, who have likewise had enough with the hyper-ritualism and crypto-papism crawling around the LCMS like maggots in a pile of dung," McCain explained, speaking in the same earthy colloquial manner as Martin Luther, whom many Lutherans believe to be the founder of the Lutheran Church resulting from his rebellion against the Roman Catholic Church in 1517 over a "diet of worms."

The LCMcS is currently in high-level negotiations with the Vehse Evangelical Lutheran Democratic Republic (VELDR), a lay-led congregational denomination the same size as the LCMcS. The VELDR's president is a Texas doctor named Rick Strickert, who prefers the term "The Vehse" as his title instead of "President." Vehse Strickert is the sole member of the VELDR, and though he views President McCain with some suspicion, being a "clerical type with a cemetery, excuse me, seminary degree," he does see much common ground between the VELDR and the LCMcS.

"We're working out the kinks," said Strickert, "aside from the minor issue of the so-called office of the ministry, we just about got it licked. Then, we figure, we can go guns Ablazing!(tm) after the 'hyper euros,'" said The Vehse, winking at his clever appropriation of the LCMS's corporate slogan.

McCain is likewise optimistic. "Although I am no fan of ecumenical dialogue, I do believe full altar and pulpit fellowship can be achieved, just as long as Vehse Strickert accepts the LCMcS's doctrine and bylaw of the Infallibility of the McCain Synod President."

A joint convention between the two church bodies is being scheduled for some time next year.

When asked for a comment on the matter, LCMS President Gerald Kieschnick would only say: "I'm all for McCain for president. I got an e-mail the other day saying that O'Bama fella is a Muslimite. And you don't want that camel stickin' his nose in the tent!"

Scuttlebutt News Service, copyright 2008. This report may not be reproduced in any form without without the following disclaimer: "Support Pirate Christian Radio! Christ's Church IS my grandfather's Church!"

Miss Spike

Who the hell is this Spike Lee gal, and what's her beef with that kid Clint Eastwood?

I'm not the biggest Dirty Harry fan in the world, as I always thought he was a little too wimpy for my tastes. I hear Eastwood has made some Dubya Dubya Eye Eye flicks, but I just can't get into the idea of a guy in a sombrero and a pancho shooting at Japs with a Colt 45. And then there was that crying jag on Madison Avenue! So, maybe Eastwood isn't the manliest guy in the world, but all the same, this colored girl Spike Lee needs to get a shave. And since when is Lee a colored name anyway? If I hadn't seen the picture, I would have pictured her in a rickshaw.

But to be fair, I do like the classy black woman church hat, and the shiny earring is nice and feminine for a change compared to what the kids are wearing these days. And I really love the tortoise shell cat glasses - calling to mind the days in France during the Big One, when women were still women and men were still in possession of their "marbles," if you get my drift.

But I just don't get the goatee. That's the deal-breaker for me, fellas. There are treatments the broads can get for excessive facial hair these days, and I think Miss Spike needs to pick up one of the brochures the next time she's in one of those Viet Kong establishments getting her nails done. She'd be a right pretty girl if it weren't for the beard. She might want to tone down the lip gloss too. She's just this side of looking like a tramp. But you know, if you cover up the picture from the nose down, she looks like a young Rosa Parks. There is such potential there.

And she needs to lay off Eastwood and shut her yap about warfare. Leave that to the men, sweetheart, and run along and get me a beer.

Repravda

Well, for once this kid Father Hollyweird has something worthwhile to say about the cat getting the Reporter's tongue about Issues, Etc-gate. But then again, did anyone realistically expect to see pictures of Randy Raspberry and Willie Weedon holding signs that say: "Hell No We Won't Go" and "Bomb Iran" to grace the pages of the official synodical paper? By the way, Yours Truly was also at this little gathering outside the Crinoline Kremlin. I'm in some of the pictures. I'm the one carrying the sign that says: "Make Seven Up Yours." I like to do my part to support the American soft drink industry.

I hate to admit it, but I agree with Hollywoodhead's assessment. The Reporter is crap, pure and simple. The paper would be put to better use by Mr. Whipple. And that's the best damned construction I can put on it. The only reason I save them is because the local puppy mill needs them for housebreaking, and the change I get from the proceeds goes into the beer fund. And as far as I am concerned, canine target practice is too noble a purpose for this waste of tree pulp.

Ever since that paperhanging corporal took over the POTS, (thanks again, Herman, you idiot...), the "organs" - and that pun is most certainly intended - of our Beloved Synod have become pure parlor pink agitprop. The Lutheran Witness has become the Kieschnick's Shameless, and the Reporter has gone beyond being simply the Distorter to outright being Repravda. If the Presidium had tanks, they'd be rolling in the streets every May 1.

In fact, my cardio doc ordered me not to look at those papers. And as soon as I finish this pack of smokes, I'm going to run out to Wallgreen's to get my blood pressure checked and my scrip refilled. Don't let me forget. But anyway, that damned rag has driven me to drink every month. Well, at least it's good for something, I suppose.

And I just love what the synod calls "missionaries" these days. It used to be a fella would have to put on a pair of jodhpurs and a pith helmet, live in a mud hut in the jungle, and learn to talk with a series of clicks and gutteral growls - after being ordained and called, of course. These days "mission work" means a broad with manicured nails, perfect teeth, a Gucci bag, and a boob job spending a couple weeks in Europe. According to the latest Repravda, one of the LCMS "mission gals" is serving a "mission" in London, England. Now, I know the Limes ain't exactly the most churchgoing folk in the world, but has this tootsy ever heard of St. Augustine of Canturbury? Somehow, I doubt that a helluva lot of "mission work" is going on in her "call." But then again, maybe she's teaching English as a Second Language over there. That would be par for the synodical course.

Then we have another missionarionette serving in Wittenberg, Germany. Hmmm. Now, where have I heard that name before, troops. It's right on the tip of my tongue - next to this damned horse pill I'm trying to wash down with a Bud Light. Yes, I can see where "mission work" would come in handy there. Wittenburg. Judas Priest, it's Wittenberg Germany! Hello? Why, I'll bet they've never even heard of what a Lutheran is in that neck of the woods. Good thing the LCMS is Johann-on-the-Spot! What a damned embarrassment!

It's getting to the point where anyone who is familiar with conventional sexual practices will be tagged as "missionaries." Of course, no word on pastors like this May fella who was pulled from his mud hut in French West Africa because raising a quarter million bucks on his own wasn't enough ka-ching!(tm) for the French-cuffed fatcats in St. Loonie. I suppose this pastor will be replaced by a blue-eyed blonde college girl with a digital camera who will stay just long enough to e-mail a picture of herself surrounded by a gaggle of smiling brown people that will end up in the Repravda as evidence that your synodical dollars are not (are) being wasted. Meanwhile, the natives will be left to eat each other. I mean the ones in St. Louis. Cannibalism is pretty much a thing of the past in Christian Africa - unlike in the post-Christian Missouri Synod where eating each other is simply a way of life. Let's ask David Strand. I hear it tastes like chicken, Davey Boy. Well, that pencil-necked little bloodsucking liar oughtta know.

And check out that pie chart for Fan Into Flame(tm) allocations. Half of the money is to go to "The Ends of the Earth." About a sixth is ear marked for "Jerusalem." Another sixth is for "Judea" and finally another for "Samaria." Now, first of all, what in the hell are the "ends of the earth"? Can't they be at least a little specific? And haven't the Satan First crowd listened to any of those Paul Meyer talks? Samaria doesn't exist any more, knuckle heads. I suspect that hunk of money will actually go to the Kieschnicks' indoor pool/hot-tub/shiny rims/gold-teeth fund. And ditto for "Judea." Why are we sending money to places that don't exist? Finally, Jerusalem. Well, at least it's a real place, but how much mission work is going on there anyway, unless you want to count the Ablaze!(tm) nonsense, like when the security goon at the El-Al counter sneezes and you say: "God bless you. Jesus loves you" and you run home, log onto the computer, and add one more to the great McDonald's tally of hamburgers sold. I don't know, I think maybe we need to have an audit. Maybe we need a campaign called: "Flush into the Drain(tm)."

And what is this "theAlley" crap? Is it a church, a bowling establishment, or a place to pick up hookers? I guess these days, you can have one-stop shopping. Back in my day, "the alley" was where the queers, dope fiends, and drunk musicians went to urinate. Well, I guess some things just don't change after all.

And what's with this "guitar chords" business for the new hymnal? I suppose we'll soon have the COW working on a special bongo-drum-and-kazoo edition that CPH can give away with the purchase of each pair of "Here I Stand" athletic supporters that they sell. That's another reason to stick to TLH. Back in '41, they weren't even playing guitars yet, except like the kind you see on the Andy Griffith Show. And even then, what the hilljacks did with their banjos and missing teeth had nothing to do with the church. It was certainly nothing like this electric twanger racket that Fritz Baue plays with his hippy friends. The problem with LCMS music today is the same problem as with the typical pastor and most of the bureaucrats: "not enough organ."

In fact, like I said, I wish someone would get this Molly Zeitgeist Hemmingway fella to run for Synodical President. Even with that girly name, this guy's got the stoneware that seems to have turned up missing for the palace eunuchs in the Violet Vat. It's always been a mystery for me, both in the military and in the church: are the bureaucrats already carrying "empty luggage," as it were, when they are elected, or is there some kind of snip-snip ceremony once they get to the holy city? It's kind of a chicken-and-egg mystery - one that hope not to find out by personal experience. I may not need a "pair of aces" for procreation these days, but I do believe Deuteronomy 23:1 is still in the canon - the interpretive prowess of the Ablaze!(tm) crowd notwithstanding. I'll keep the old "book ends" on the shelf, thank you very much. I know my circuit counselor (the pastor of St. Origin Lutheran Church) has long since surrendered his to the service of paper-pushing long ago.

I'm just waiting for the purple criss-cross thing at the top of the Reporter to be replaced one day by a pink hammer and sickle. Cripes, we see as many headshots of Kieschnick as the Muscovites saw posters of Stalin. Coincidence? You be the judge, dammit.

As for Father Hollywood, somebody needs to tell this kid to get a hair cut. But at least he has a job - even if it only pays minimum wage.

Misery Monopoly

Translation of COP and Presidential Statements

Once again, troops, I have been asked to translate the recent "Bovine Scatology" from our "Beloved Synod" into the English language (given my many years of such translation work in both church and state by virtue of my work as a chaplain).

The parts you see in red are the plain English versions of the Bureaucratese Slanguage.

No word yet on how the Lutheran Heritage Foundation's project to translate the Book of Concord into Bureaucratese is coming along. It is a worthy project, however, as one could only imagine how much better things would be in the Missouri Synod if the Book of Concord could actually be read in St. Louis.

Both of these documents are case studies in how to sling a lot of BS, legal-sounding words, impressive sounding linguistic gymnastics, name-dropping, bureaucratic "duck and cover", slight of hand, the play of the 8th Commandment Card, and other dilatory tactics to say a whole lot of nothing. I've seen some remarkable BS in my day, and I don't impress easy, but I gotta say: Great work, COP and President Clinton!


Courtesy Scuttlebutt Translation Services!(tm)...

Statement [CYA] from LCMS Council of Presidents [Council of Pusilanimity] —April 22, 2008:

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ [People who annoy us that we wish would die in a fire]:

We, the members of the Council of Presidents [Council of Pusilanimity] of The Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod [Lutheran Church - Banana Republic], greet you in the Name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who is the Savior of the whole world [In the Name of Ablaze!(tm) our new god].

We are fully aware of pain in our Synod [We have been inconvenienced] over the discontinuation of the KFUO Radio program “Issues, Etc.” When one member of the Body of Christ hurts—for whatever reason—we all hurt [We don't like being inconvenienced]. We are very concerned about how this pain has affected the church as it carries Christ's gifts to the world [We want to get back to golf]. Only the devil would rejoice over this disruption! [We don't want to admit it, but it is true, the firing of Wilken and Schwarz was diabolical, and has caused Satan much joy, but more important, it disrupts our "very important meeting" wink wink.]

We encourage the whole church prayerfully to reflect and ponder on a few matters [Shut up and do what you're told, proles]. We realize that in our understanding and application of the 4th commandment, this matter is not the responsibility of the Council of Presidents [We'd love nothing more than pass the buck, but this issue is so hot that the buck has been passed to us]. The Synod has given the authority for oversight and implementation of KFUO and its programming decisions to the Board for Communication Services (BCS). We must regard with Christian charity and trust the judgment of our duly elected brothers and sisters in Christ on the BCS, along with its Executive Director, Mr. David Strand [Strand is not to be criticized].

We regret the timing of this decision [We didn't expect the proles to react, and we regret being inconvenienced] , which was implemented during Holy Week, one of the most important times of the church year [and we're glad someone pointed this out to us - we never made the connection before]. In response to the concern that the manner in which this decision was implemented lacked Christian compassion, it is important to note our belief that such was not the case [it's not that we lack compassion, we just don't give a damn]. These matters are also addressed in the statement on this topic by the President of our Synod, attached hereto [The word "hereto" makes us sound really important. So do our ties and briefcases. Don't you think we look and sound really important?], which we commend to you [the word "commend" makes us sound really edgycated, don't it?].

The manner in which the church addresses, discusses, and resolves disagreements is as important as the disagreement itself. In this regard, the 8th commandment's focus on upholding the reputation of brothers and sisters in Christ is most important [We are playing the 8th commandment card, thus ending all future discussion, and declaring full immunity from any and all criticism. Nanny boo boo]. We are all the baptized of Christ, washed in His blood, and we possess His image of blamelessness [Someone just realized we didn't say anything "churchy" yet, so there's our token mention of a sacrament to appease the confessional crowd]. Where there have been communications that have violated the integrity of a brother or sister in Christ, Christ calls us to repentance [We're right, you're wrong. Shut up]. Here, too, the devil would delight in divisiveness resulting from matters such as this [If you criticize us, you are of the devil]. Let us walk with integrity, honesty, and humility, giving glory to Jesus Christ, “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:13) [Here is our obligatory verse of Scripture to give the letter the sheen of churchmanship].

Jesus Christ is the Lord of the church [You can give your heart to Jesus, but your butts belongs to the Council]. As this church goes forward [We're moving forward now, the issue is settled, so shut up] in reaching unbelievers with the precious Gospel of our Lord [Nothing nore to see here, let's get back to the corporate Ablaze!(tm) marketing in lockstep], let us be “eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3) [We are unified. There is no dissent, Komrades. All your base are belong to us.]

The peace of the Lord be with you all! [Up yours, suckers!]

Council of Presidents [Council of Politicians]
The Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod [Misery Cyanide]
Adopted April 22, 2008, without dissenting vote [There were abstentions, but none of the so-called "confessional" district presidents was equipped with his testicles, so there were no dissenting votes. We are unified Komrades. There is no dissent. Nothing to see here. Everybody keep moving along.]

Statement [CYA] from LCMS President [Strongman]—April 21, 2008:

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ [Dear Subjects]:

Greetings in the Name of Jesus Christ, Savior of the world and Lord of the universe, through whom alone we receive forgiveness of sin, life, and salvation! [Here is my obligatory introduction that is a cross between the apostolic greeting and a Star Trek slogan]

A decision to discontinue “Issues, Etc.” on KFUO AM Radio was made March 18, 2008, Tuesday of Holy Week, for fiscal reasons described in statements issued after the decision became public. [I'm repeating the Party Line]. At the April 21, 2008, meeting of the Council of Presidents (COP) of The Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod, financial details precipitating this decision were discussed in executive session [in a dark smoke filled room lest the sunshine scatter the cockroaches and disrupt our wicked deeds] by Mr. David Strand, Executive Director of the LCMS Board for Communication Services (BCS), with specific fiscal information provided by the Vice-President-Finance—Treasurer of the Synod, Dr. Thomas Kuchta [by the usual cast of lackeys and water boys]. The decision was made solely by Mr. Strand after consultation with the chairman of the BCS, Mr. Dennis Clauss, with whom I subsequently spoke over the phone regarding this matter [Strand blew this past the BCS without their knowledge and I have plausible deniability, while still maintaining the appearance of being the Man In Charge]. KFUO Radio is a ministry under the umbrella of the Board for Communication Services.

Prior to its implementation, Mr. Strand also informed me as president of the Synod of his decision [Clever, huh?]. I regret that I did not counsel Mr. Strand to postpone implementation of the decision until sometime other than Holy Week [We should have kept our treachery a little below the radar screen]. It is obvious that the timing and process connected with the discontinuation of the program have contributed to the disappointment expressed by listeners and supporters of “Issues, Etc.” in and beyond the Synod [We don't admit to anything wrong, but we did make a tactical miscalculation]. Human Resources policies, compliance with applicable employment regulations, the process of implementation of reduction in force, accompanying severance and outplacement considerations, etc., do not allow the sharing of details about this matter [Conveniently, I am in a position to bamboozle everyone with lots of smoke and mirrors]. I am deeply saddened by the anxiety, worry, and consternation experienced in the Synod by those directly and indirectly affected by the decision [I wish all these rubes would shut their pie holes, drink their Kool-aid, and get on the Ablaze!(tm) bandwagon].

Some have interpreted the decision to discontinue “Issues, Etc.” as being theological or political in nature or purpose. Such interpretations have no basis in fact [Of course, that's what it is, but we're sure as hell not going to admit it].

As president of the Synod [Big Brother], I respectfully request and pastorally encourage all in the Synod to be patient and charitable regarding this matter, putting the best construction on actions and decisions connected therewith [I'm going to bully you into compliance]. I pray for the day when the financial resources of our Synod do not necessitate the reduction in force of radio personnel, the return of missionaries from the foreign mission field, or any other such difficult and painful decisions [Now, I'm going to invoke finances, although I make well over six figures and fly all over hell's half acre with gasoline at three-and-a-half bucks a gallon and stay in the finest hotels]. And I pray for peace and harmony in our beloved Synod [I will do whatever it takes to shut off all dissent and bully my opponents into silence and call it "harmony"].

Dr. [Which is my fake degree that I use to give myself the air of authority] Gerald B. Kieschnick, President [Komissar]
The Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod [Not Your Grandfather's Church]

"Transforming lives through Christ's love ... in time ... for eternity ..." [Closing with a Barry Manilow jingle that may well have been: "And like a good neighbor, State Farm is there."]

John 3:16-17 [Obligatory Bible verse to give the air of churchmanship]

Petition Ablaze!(tm) - hoping for 95 signatures by 2017

St. Louis (SNS) --- Stung by the nearly 7,000 signatures in just over three weeks on an online petition to bring back the popular (but canceled) syndicated radio program Issues, Etc., leaders of the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod, owners of the KFUO radio station from which the conservative show was broadcast, have gone on the offensive.

Synodical officials have begun an online petition of their own, commending synodical official David Strand for his "heroic firing" of the two employees responsible for the radio program, host Rev. Todd Wilken and producer Mr. Jeff Schwarz. The petition further applauds the "gospel-centered" way the firings were carried out during Holy Week, as well as the "veil of Christian secrecy" concerning the rationale for the terminations. The petition also calls for programming of a more "uplifting" and less "doctrinaire" format "in accordance with the 21st century goals of the Missouri Synod" which is no longer "your grandfather's church."

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a highly-placed source in the small denomination's International Center (also known as the Purple Palace) expressed frustration that so much attention has been given "to a handful of malcontents, speed-bumps, and enemies of the Gospel" from around the world and in every state of the union who are "selfishly placing their desire for a rigorous defense of traditional Christianity" over and against the vision of synodical leaders intent on softening the image of the church body with a more "progressive" and "uplifting" message.

"This is not your grandfather's church" the anonymous source confided, speaking emphatically with his hands, clearly distressed at the emotional outpouring in favor of the doomed radio show, "and what these enemies of our beloved synod do not understand is that we need to use 21st century methods to reach the iPod generation."

As an example of the new technological paradigm, synodical officials have launched a counter-petition online. So far, the new petition is up to seven signatures "and counting." Said the unnamed official, "This initiative is the most exciting use of new technology in the entire histruh of the Lutheran Church Missuruh Synod!" Furthermore, he continued, this "movement will coincide with the Ablaze!(tm) initiative" as the synod has set 2017, the five hundredth anniversary of Martin Luther's "cutting edge protest" of the 95 Theses that set off the Lutheran Reformation as the target date to accumulate "95 signatures of Ablazing!(tm) support" for the synodical firing of Wilken and Schwartz.

"The Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod is positioning itself to reach and surpass the historic goal of 95 online signatures by 2017, and having already reached the laudable benchmark of seven names is the most exciting news we have heard in the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod since the death of [former synodical president] Al Barry" said the Lutheran cleric.

"Our synod has never been more united" he added, "and disagreements are being crushed more than ever before."

Scuttlebutt News Service, copyright 2008. This report may not be reproduced in any form without a link to the Online Petition to Restore Issues, Etc. and the following disclaimer: "Christ's Church IS my grandfather's Church!"

A New Show, a New Name

Well, troops, if Wee Willie Weedon is to be believed, the "fix" is in regarding KFUO's replacement for Issues, Etc. It's now officially a "chick schtick."

Doesn't that about figure. The LCMettes has been taken over by broads: voters, delegates, professors, deacons, acolytes, congregational presidents, elders, and pastors. Well, maybe not the last one yet, but you watch!

And there has not been the least hint of virility, manliness, or guts in the way this whole debacle has been handled, from the very top of the totem pole to the lowest lackey.

So, it looks like Davette Strand and her bunch of geldings at KFUO need a new name for the latest Oprah knock-off that's going to apparently be a better "programming and business" decision for the Ablaze!(tm) crowd. I can just imagine what that "broad cast" is gonna be like. So, for the new title, I suggest (drum roll please...):

"Tissues, etc."

What do you guys think? Feel free to e-mail the gals at FU-O with this idea. Then feel free to have a good cry and eat a box of chocolates.

Meanwhile, I can't wait till we get get rid of all this Book of Concord stuff and move on to something that will generate ratings and Ablaze!(tm) money - like maybe the pregnant "man" story. You gotta admit, that fits in well with the way things are going in this eunuchized synod.

This ain't your grandfather's world, men.

But I guess we shoulda gotten suspicious when they painted the seat of our archbishopric lavender.

Me, I think I'll just start watching sports. It will be about as theologically deep as anything on FU-o, but at least we won't have to lose our balls.