Of course, I just had to do it - interrupt a pleasant Wild Turkey buzz to peruse the latest Distorter.By now, I've gotten used to all the usual Ablaze!(tm) BS - that hardly elicits a yawn these days. But check out what's on page 3 of the COW Insert (which has always sounded like some kind of veterinarian version of Preparation H). That silly Harry Gerike kid has a whole page to promote the goofiest idea in Lutheran worship since Lutheran Worship: Taize.
Taize Krishna, Krishna Krishna. My Sweet Lord! What will the hippies come up with next? Of course, this is the same fella that pushed for those creepy "Psalms" of his to be included in the Hymnal Succubus 98. Cripes, I had to burn my copy and exorcise the ashes! I actually had "usual suspects" (bald guys with wispy gray pony tails and ear-rings) pushing me to do the "Supplement Divine Service" at the home. Holy carp! (And yes, I wrote "carp," not "crap" - I'm not from Nebraska).
One thing I like about my Blanche is she cuts to the chase. When I read the article to her as she was whipping up my dinner like a proper Lutheran stay-at-home broad, she got right to the point: "Why the hell can't we just sing the damn hymns in the hymnal?" I knew she was a keeper.
Look, I didn't mind the Krishnas doing the Taize thing in the airport. It gave me some free entertainment before the advent of watching the TSA thugs get their jollies looking at shampoo bottles and trying to confiscate my bowie knife (I hear that one is doing better these days thanks to physical therapy). I kind of miss the little chanting bald people, though. I don't know what happened to all of them - other than maybe they all took their tambourines and enrolled in the DCE program at one of the Discordias.
But I sure as hell don't want to have a bunch of this George Harrisman crap going on in the Divine Service. It's bad enough the aging hips at the home listen to Jamie Henricks and Jefferson Blimpship with that slackjawed LSB-induced glaze in their eyes. Now we got seminary profs pushing things like repetition, humming, and primitive musical instruments, and using the Pope's Latin to try to make it seem like church.
Crap (that's for the Corn Huskers who have gotten far enough in school to actually be reading this), I half expect the Seminary Chorus to swap the albs for saffron robes, and ditch the good St. Louis GOP buzzcuts for those smelly ray-gay "crud locks."
As a side note, when did the seminaries start letting in weirdos with ear-rings and mustaches (and I'm not talking about the deaconess students here)? I thought we didn't want queers in the ministry. Of course, with all these trillions of converts we're gonna get by 2017, I guess anyone with a pulse and armpit hair can study for the priesthood (unless you wear a cassock and actually believe all that stuff in the Book of Concord, that is. Guys like that make the profs look bad).
Anyway, pass the Kool-Aid troops! This isn't your Father's church. This latest Hare Taize stuff, the Ablaze!(tm) cult, and all this talk about door-to-door evangelism is turning the LCMS into beer-drinking Mormons. Word on the street is that the Kieschnick Korps wanted to rename the Reporter as the Watchtower - until the JWs threatened to petition the convention for altar and pulpit fellowship with the Misery Cyanide. And of course, as long as they're open to "contemporary worship" and support Ablaze!(tm), they're in.
Meanwhile, look for CPH to come out with a vegetarian cookbook for "small group evangelism teams" to hand out with the plastic flowers.
Boy, I'll be glad when the sixties are over!
Check out the guy in the blue clericals, who's one of those LCMS types pushing the Cult of Apple. You know who you are...
Cassocks are hot. I want to get one for my husband.
ReplyDeleteSince you're commenting on the latest "Distorter," did you notice the following item from the commission on worship?
ReplyDelete-------------------
The commission is working on developing a survey of the top 5 percent of LCMS “soul winning” congregations, defined as those congregations with the greatest number of adult baptisms, adult confirmations, and professions of faith. This survey is to determine what happens during the most visible hour of a congregation's week that helps them be the soul winners that they are.
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I've been trying to look away from all of this nonsense, but the smell is becoming hard to ignore. It's interesting to note that infant baptisms (or even those of children) don't count as "soul winning." Perhaps our new synodical slogan should be, "Damn the Gospel, full speed ahead!"
Since we can now use pagan chants, perhaps we can incorporate George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" as an example of our "diversity in worship."
ReplyDeleteHoly crap, what guy, or which guys, from Nebraska ticked you off?
ReplyDeleteI'm from Omaha -- does that mean the deal about my room at Blessed Reformer is off?
I will say, though, say "Bo" at the next parish potluck and you'll be assumed to mean Pelini, not Giertz.
I say toss in all of this Vatican II For Lutherans that's been pushed since LBW right in there with the rest as "contemporary worship".
And we should have offered Pelini the job when he was here before!
Huntress:
ReplyDeleteYou're damn right they're hot. Especially if they're wool. No overweight gasping Dorito-fressing district or synod 'crat would be seen dead in one of them. We should count ourselves lucky the sweating lumps of fat aren't running around in Ablaze!(tm) Speedos. If McCain starts pushing THAT in the CPH catalog, I want a cut of the royalties!
Just don't let your hubby wear it at Concordia Theological Seminary. Unless he's an ELCA priestess, of course, then it's okay.
Along those lines, how long before we start seeing the blue mini-cassock with the little cross patch on the shoulder?
St. Phobia, ora pro nobis!
Here at the home, I'm a real soul winner. I send souls to heaven at a greater rate than the Marine Corps. But we old-folks-home chaplains ain't even on the Ablaze!9tm) radar screen.
ReplyDeleteThe only time these overly-hyped trendy seeker-friendly emergent-church punks do a funeral is when one of their 23-year old elders OD's on ecstasy. Then they call me and ask what they should do. I tell them to jump in the hole right after the coffin, and get the hell off my lawn.
Should I apply for an Ablaze!(tm) medal for the most funerals? After all, as I expect to read in one of JK's "pastoral letters", the first three letters of "FUNERAL" are...
Eldo:
ReplyDeleteTake it easy, old fella. I'm just giving Iowa a break.
I got a suite waiting for you, as long as you can keep me stocked in smokes and booze.