Beg for money, go on a junket

Good gig if you can get it - send out a beg letter for money in the same mailing that you brag about all the worldwide tours you're about to go on.

I was getting caught up on my mail. I get a lot of junk mail, way too much for an old man. Most of it comes from the Intergalactic Headquarters of the LCMess. Typically, I pitch it all in the can - the Distorter, the Lutheran Witless, the Potholes of Prayer, Christian Nonsense, Jeeze Us First - the lot of it. I haven't gotten "RIMmed" in a while, Deo gratias. But anyway, every now and then, when I'm sufficiently lubricated and up to having my BP raised a few points, I check out what all the Synodical 'Crats are up to.

So, with a pungent Jack Daniel's laced breath, I draw a heavy sigh, and break the seal on the envelope from LCMS World Emissions. Great. "Harvest" newsletter. Wow. Glossy. Color. Fancy-schmancy layout. Hmmm. Synod must be rollin' in the dough, thinks I. What else? A "prayer calendar" printed on what amounts to three 8 1/2 x 11 sheets, double sided. Although not in color, that didn't grow on a tree either - at least not before it was cut down, made into pulp, printed, and mailed to yours truly where it can get processed through my trash can and sent to a "landfill" (what we used to call the "dump") to biodegrade for a couple hundred years.

There's also an envelope enclosed with "business reply mail" on the outside. I know what that means. Ka-CHING! More on that later.

On the front page of the "Harvest" newsletter is some drivel about a "multi-site church plant experience in Missouri" complete with a picture inside the church (including balloons, of course...) with the caption: "Members and guests participate in the ribbon-cutting for the preschool and worship space" (I excrete you not...). Worship space? What the hell is that? Sounds too much like Star Trek and not enough like Church. I guess the word "sanctuary" and balloons aren't compatable. Well, at least they got something right...

The article talks about their starting of an "early childhood education" center - which is a euphemism for a "tot drop" or "kiddie warehouse." It may not be PC to say so, but most of these "daytime orphaniages" are matters of convenience - a place to institutionalize little Brittney or little Brandon and keep them on ice while both parents work to "make ends meet" (i.e. keep the payments on both BMWs up to date). Instead of the Church preaching the "order of creation," they are cashing in on irresponsible parenting. Did I already say "ka-CHING!" Of course, this is all done with a lot of pious ejaculations about "reaching the unchurched." Yeah, reaching into their checkbooks.

The article goes on to talk about enlisting "volunteers needed to sustain weekly worship and test our coordination of technology, music, and leadership." In other words, they need some long-haired Axl Rose wannabe with a pierced tongue to say: "Check One Two" into the mike while some other loser that reeks of cannibis plugs in his guitar and plays the first chords of "Smoke on the Water." I know all this because I have a lot of baby boomers coming into the Home. I wish there was a way for them to bypass retirement and go straight to hospice care - but the Democrats are keeping them alive and voting out of sheer desperation. They also speak about the need to "build teams of ushers, greeters, etc." Oh, Lord have mercy! "Teams"? Are we talking about the New York Mets here? You don't need a "team" - just a couple guys to hand out bulletins and tell people when to go to the rail. Honestly, I don't think that requires a designated hitter and a lineback coach for crying out loud. The entire article sings the praise of sinful men - while Jesus is not even mentioned once. If they could respond, it might go something like this: "Who's He? Did He graduate from a Concordia? Is He a 'professional church worker'? Jesus, who? Is that 'Hay-SEUSS'? Is he a Mexican missionary? Jesus... Let me see. Now, I know that name from somewhere...."

Why do I read this crap? Oh, but it gets better.

There's the usual Ablaze!(tm) crap. Yada yada. Numbers, numbers. Crunch, crunch. Beans being counted. Cogs in the wheel. The usual obligatory Madonna or Angelina Jolie shot of a white woman surrounded by smiling blacks. All that's missing is a box of cream of wheat.

But the "director's letter" takes the cake, and the ribs, and the 3rd helping of mashed potatoes, and the bratwursts, and more ribs, and three pieces of tiramisu...

Robert Roegner is there, wearing a gray shirt (fashion no-no number one for chubbies), and a striped tie (fashion no-no number two for the well-fed). Lordy, all that's missing is the trunk and a sack of peanuts. Nice shirt, though. French cuffs, monogrammed. No cheap stuff for the synodical executive. We want to impress the starving when we show up on the back of a jeep with Ablaze!(tm) tracts and discount coupons on your next purchase of any CPH product featuring the Luther rose.

Anyhoo, Big Bobby explains that he's gonna do some globetrotting, and you can join him (as he will be the "host for the group." There will "be some special co-hosts as well." The first leg goes from May 22 to June 4, and covers Russia, Latvia, and Lithuania. They will visit "our partners in the Lutheran church bodies there" - meaning those Lutherans that have been there for 500 years, have bishops in apostolic succession, and still address their "priests" as "Father." Won't they just love a visit from a gaggle of droopy-drawered baby boomers who are coming to bring "Shine Jesus Shine" to the heathen. Good Lord, what a trainwreck!"

Then, Big Bobby and his entourage will do an Asian tour from Sept 25 to Oct 10. They'll be going to China, Vietnam, Hong Kong, and Macau (I guess they haven't gotten the news that the latter two are part of China - that's okay though, I'm still getting used to Manchukuo not belonging to the Japs).

The entourage will also include Bill Diekelman, 1st Grand Cyclops or something of the LCMS (and his wife), also a pastor named Greg Smith (and his wife). Big Bobby's wife will be going too. Somehow, I doubt that they'll all be paying their own way. The bureaucratic life sure beats preaching and saying Mass, eh Bobby-boy?

I also doubt that these four weeks of world travel will come out of Roegner's vacation time. And dare I say, meals will be included? How much is Roegner's salary anyway?

Look, I'm a capitalist. I don't begrudge the rich. There's just something weird about a pastor wearing fancy French cuffs and spending weeks on world tours - especially when that pastor is a bureaucrat supposedly involved in "mission work." There's just something not very "Mother Teresa" about the whole thing. Have I already used the word: "ka-CHING!"

But be that as it may, if LCMS World Mission has the money and needs to use it, more power to 'em.

But wait!

Remember the envelope I mentioned earlier? You know, the "business reply" envelope? It has a convenient detachable card for my donation. Hmmm. Have I said "ka-CHING!" yet? It says: "YES! I want to help LCMS World Mission reach 100 million people. Accept my gift of..." and the lowest "gift" on the card is eighty bucks. Eighty bucks? Holy crap, my tab at the VFW isn't even anywhere near that! The other options are: $125, $150, and the blank amount (presumably for more than $150). Is this to pay for Roegner's shrimp buffet? There's even a place to charge credit cards.

So they want poor, miserable, LCMS members like me, on a semi-retired salary, to send them more than a c-note so Roegner, his wife, and his buddies and their wives can take junkets around the world? I don't even understand what kind of "missions" we have in Russia (where Christianity has been there some thousand years), and the Baltics (where there are Lutheran churches that have their you-know-what together far better than our FUBAR synod). Why not let the well-established Lutheran churches in those places do the mission work? Do any of these bureaucrats and their friends speak Russian, Latvian, and Lithuanian? Has anyone told them Bill Weinrich and Charles Evanson are already there? Are they going to sneeze at the first waft of frankincense and wave their LWML fans at their faces while they complain? Instead of a junket for citizens of the richest country on the planet, why not just wire them the money and let the local churches do the mission work?

I think we all know the answer to that question.

There's also a "help wanted" chart in the "Harvest" newsletter with various "opportunities" for mission work. You are assured that "you do not need to be a professional teacher, pastor, or expert in theology." Of course, a lot of the "opportunities" are for pastors. We all do know that in Missouri, not actually being a pastor is no impediment to serving as a pastor. One of the job listings is for 10 "Ablaze!(tm) Evangelists" to serve 1 year in Latvia. I'm sure the archbishop is thrilled. What did these folks ever do before we came along?

I need to make a New year's resolution to quit reading anything from the LCMS. Frankly, that would be the best thing I could do for my liver. And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to do a vodka bong...