You know, we put up with a lot in the Missouri Synod. Suits, Protestants, Charismatics, congregational supremacy, Jesus jiggers, lay preachers, deaconesses, children's sermons, dame elders and communion waitresses, broads serving as congregational presidents, "contemptible worship", the Dee Pees a.k.a. the See Oh Pee, the See Oh Double-You, the See Tee See Are, the despicable See See Em, and all of that other alphabet soup See Are Ay Pee.
You'd have thought that the Bohlmann years would have been enough penance for all the sins of the church in the middle ages combined! But wait, there's more. Now how much would you pay?
Not only did we endure Seminex, but also Oscar Feucht, Satan First, DeathStar, Different Vices - Shared Division, the Wicheta Amendment to the Augsburg Confession, the Robert Preus lynching, Jerruh, Yankee Stadium, Luther failing doctrinal review, the Book of Concord failing doctrinal review, and 801-A.
We have Amy Grant, Maranatha Music, and the textual-critical ESV in our hymnal. We endure copyright restrictions on the Small Catechism so tight by CPH that a wise pastor won't even allow school kids to utter the words "This is most certainly true" without retaining a lawyer.
And then there's Ablaze!(tm).
Ablaze!(tm) - the pinnacle of the church-growth-marketing-gimmick-program (that's not a program, but a (bowel) movement). Ablaze!(tm) is the ecclesiastical equivalent of wheel spinners and a "grill." It's a pyramid-like three-card monte scheme that would give old man Ponzi himself an instant cure for E.D. It's all about numbers, smoke & mirrors, slight-of-hand, and other such B.S. (and I don't mean "Bible Study"). It's bad theology that calls a "decision for Christ" a "critical event" while denying such status to baptism. But it is in italics, has an explamation point, and is a registered trademark - so it must have the Pneumatic Imprimateur - at least as much as 2 Peter does, anyway.
Ablaze!(tm) is Missouri's golden calf. To paraphrase the bumper sticker: Moses is coming back, and boy is he pissed! I'm sure someone will eventually argue that they just threw a bunch of gold into a flame, and out came Ablaze!(tm) - just like that!
What, you don't understand that chronic sore throat? That's what it feels like to have something jammed down your throat (and no, that is not a Paris Hilton joke).
You can get Ablaze!(tm) balloons, logos, pens, and t-shirts. They're writing "praise songs" (appropriately named) about it. Jerry pushes it up like Linsey Lohan's bra, and the COP crave it like a meth lab junkie scrounging for SudaPhed. It's our hot new cure for "Ecclesiastical Dysfunction" (that includes a litany of side effects, spoken, of course, never chanted). And like the little boy in the Emperor's New Clothes, all we can do is shake our heads, since nobody listens to us when we tell them we can see the POTS' ding-dong as he struts about in his imaginary tux and miter. It is about as pretty a sight as the Royal Hubcap about his flea-collared neck (there's a pimp somewhere in a New Orleans whore house who must have lost a game of cards to El Presidente at some point). Britney has nothing on "Jerry K-Fed" when it comes to shamelessly "showing the goods."
But just when you didn't think Ablaze!(tm) could descend any lower into the bowels of secular marketing, a search on Google using the word "Ablaze" reveals (in more ways than one) just how low the limbo bar can go in our "beloved synod" (also abbreviated B.S.) (see picture above). I think the 'Crats will deny it, but this looks just like it could be some of their work. It certainly fits the pattern: lowest common denminator "entertainment" with no sacramental value whatsoever. You don't get more LCMS than that, tough guy!
At least this effort is more honest than previous Ablaze!(tm) marketing. Indeed, Ablaze!(tm) is truly "the story of timeless endless lust" to seize the work of the Holy Spirit using a simple sower who tosses seed everywhere and convert it into a successful mega-factory-farm operation in which science and technology are applied so as to give man the credit and the glory. And it does come from "sin city" - which is quickly moving from Vegas to St. Louis. And finally, the last thing this latest Ablaze!(tm) gimmick points out is that the whole thing is centered on the "boobs" who dreamed it up (and those boobs are probably phony as well).
Well done, LCMS! Once again, when someone asks us what church body we're from, we can stare at our shoes, put our hands to our lips to muffle our answer, and mumble: "Missouri" - as we turn red and change the subject. These days, admitting one's membership in the synod is roughly the same on the embarrassment level as a fart in a swimming pool when there are only two people present. And then we wonder why some leave the pool. We don't even have a Bill Murray to pick up the alledged turd and assure everyone that it's only a Clark Bar by taking a bite.
Next, I suppose we can look forward to corporate sponsorship. That would be the next stop on the Missouri Prostitution Train Line. "All aboard!" I can just see it now... a new college football game: the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod Ablaze!(tm) Bowl, a car in NASCAR with Matt Harrison's face and a cow on it, and maybe a Preparation-H commercial with a jingle about how some kinds of Ablaze!(tm) are better than others. Maybe we can get Elton John and George Michael to do a duet about Ablaze!(tm) and Aflame!(tm). Just don't bend over for the soap.
Thanks a lot, LCMS. The only blessing is that I'm old, and with any luck at all, I'll be dead by 2017.
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